The Gift I'm Giving My Husband This Christmas

Laura Amador
3 days ago
6 min read

Week 6 of The Softening Series: 10 Weeks of Deepening My Marriage

The Gift I'm Giving My Husband This Christmas

I asked. He answered.

This week, while brainstorming Christmas gift ideas for my husband, I did something I’ve never actually done before: I asked him what his favorite gift from me has ever been.

Seventeen years together means I’ve bought him a lot of gifts.. And honestly.. some of them were pretty epic in my opinion. The fancy watches. The expensive necklaces. The video games and accessories. The “fly a plane” experience. The surprise getaway I planned one year. And yes… even the dirt bike I surprised him with back when we were dating.

So when he answered immediately, without even thinking, I felt myself straighten a little, waiting to hear which of my “amazing wife” moments had made the top of the list.

But it wasn’t any of the things I expected… In fact, I’d completely forgotten about the gift he named.

He said his #1 all-time favorite gift was the year I bought him a big stainless steel pot (because he LOVES to cook), filled it with mini Coronas (his favorite beer), and tucked in a handwritten letter listing everything I respected, admired, and genuinely appreciated about him.

Really? That?

The cheapest, simplest gift I had ever given him up until then? The one I grabbed at the local grocery store and put together just a few nights before Christmas?

But the second he said it, I knew he was serious. Because that was the year something had softened in me. That letter wasn’t just a cute add-on, it was the first time I had let myself really see him in a very, very long time. The first time I vulnerably told him how much he meant to me.

It was heartfelt. It was honest. It was… simple. And apparently, it was everything he had actually been craving from me.

Hindsight is 20/20

When I look back now, I can see how many years I poured so much effort into crafting the perfect gift, thinking about what he might want, what might surprise him, what might prove I was thoughtful and intentional.

But all that effort meant nothing when I was withholding the one thing he truly needed from me… and the one thing I didn’t even realize I’d stopped offering.

My genuine admiration. My respect. My appreciation.

Without those, my gifts (no matter how extravagant or thoughtful) landed flat. They were hollow.

And honestly? I used to get angry about that. I used to feel downright hurt and deflated when my carefully planned (and often expensive) gifts weren’t reciprocated. Year after year I’d unwrap some version of the same heart-shaped necklace and think, Does this man even know me? Does he even pay attention?

I felt superior. I felt like the “better spouse.” I fed the very resentment and superiority that were creating distance between us.

And here’s the hardest truth to admit: My over-giving had never been pure generosity.Yes, of course I did want him to feel happy and loved. But if I’m being honest, it had also been an attempt to “get it right”, and to earn appreciation instead of humbly and genuinely giving it.

Because it’s a lot easier to shop than to soften.

And yet… that stainless steel pot filled with beers and a love letter changed something between us. It wasn’t the gift, it was the heart behind it. It was my honesty. My vulnerability. My willingness to see his goodness and name it out loud.

That was the gift he remembered. That was the gift that’s lasted the test of time.

And it reminded me that, as cliche as it sounds, the things that deepen our marriages really don’t come wrapped in a bow.

They come through softness.

Through humility and gratitude.

Through vulnerability.

Through generosity- Through generously respecting. Generously seeing the best in him. Generously receiving. And generously appreciating.

Through the smallest gestures that feel the most honest.

And that’s what I’m doing again this year. A gift that doesn’t involve me feeling stressed or pressured. That does not involve overthinking or trying to find the perfect Pinterest-worthy gift. Just a gift born from softness and authenticity.

Curious what gift I’m giving my husband this Christmas?

Since we’re softening together in real time, I’ll tell you what I’m giving my husband this year too.

Nothing extravagant. Nothing dramatic. Just… sneakers. The exact pair he mentioned wanting in passing while we were out last week.

Does that sound anti-climactic? Lol, maybe. But here’s why I’m not worried about that: I’ve learned that...

✨ It’s never the object. It’s the energy it’s wrapped in.

✨ It’s never the gift itself. It’s the way I see my husband as I give it.

For me, sneakers aren’t “just sneakers” when I connect them to who he is and everything I love about him: his boyish excitement when he's out gardening, trying a new recipe, or playing his favorite games. His confidence and steadiness. That little extra swagger he has when he feels successful and seen. His laughter, warmth, and awesome sense of humor.

That’s the part I’m honoring.

And tucked inside the box, I’m putting a little note. Nothing fancy- just a few lines telling him the truth about what I admire in him, what I’ve been noticing, and what I’m grateful for. Letting him know I hope the sneakers provide half as much comfort and steadiness as he gives me every single day.

And if you’re planning to give an actual wrapped gift this year, this is the part that matters: You can turn any practical gift (a hoodie, socks, a tool, a gadget) into something deeply meaningful by letting it carry your heart, not your internal pressure.

What part of him does it honor?

What appreciation does it reflect?

What truth does it let you speak?

A gift becomes intimate the moment it’s rooted in seeing the best of him clearly. That’s the magic.

Want to soften alongside me?

This week, I’m inviting both of us to choose one non-material “softening gift” to give our marriages over the holidays. Something meaningful, simple, and rooted in respect, admiration, openness, and gratitude.

Maybe it’s:

– A handwritten note of appreciation

– A weekend without any criticism

– A commitment to greeting him with a smile every single time you see him for a week

– A moment of forgiveness you’ve been holding back

– A night of light, playful connection over a board game and glass of wine

Choose one. Let it be small. Let it be sincere. Let it come from your heart, not your performance.

And now that we’ve named the important part - the softening, the presence, the heart behind the gift - I also want you to feel confident in the practical part too, if you’re feeling inclined to give something that actually gets wrapped.

Not from pressure. Not from overthinking. Just from a place of ease.

So if you’re unsure where to start, here are a couple gentle prompts I’ve asked myself as I brainstormed ideas:

➤ What would the most appreciative, playful, lighthearted version of me choose if she were surprising her favorite person and didn’t have any fears getting in the way? (The version of me who isn’t shooting for perfection or feeling pressure to “get it right”. The one who’s confident, who laughs easily, and is full of light.)

➤ What feels honest, heartfelt, and light for me to give right now? (Not to impress him… but to express me.)

Your “softening gift,” wrapped or not, doesn’t need to be fancy to be powerful. It just needs to come from the truest part of you.

And I’ll be right here, giving my marriage a gift made entirely of softness, and cheering you on as you choose yours.

The lesson

What I’m learning- especially in this season of transition, of becoming parents to four, of exploring who we are in this new chapter of our marriage- is that intimacy isn’t built through grand gestures.

It’s built through the daily integrity of how we show up.

It’s built through the kind of closeness that grows when we offer what is real, not what looks good from the outside. Not something that’s sprung from trying to read his mind and guess what I think he wants.

I’m talking about the softness that comes from authentic respect instead of a forceful push to the “perfect gift”. The kind of heartfelt vulnerable gift that doesn’t need to be impressive to be felt.

Because marriage doesn’t deepen when we finally find the perfect gift. It deepens when we become the kind of person who gives from a softened heart… not from obligation, resentment, or self-inflicted pressure.

And in my experience…

Softness is contagious.

It shifts the atmosphere.

It changes the tone.

It invites connection without forcing it.

So this Christmas, I’m giving my husband something simple and honest. A humble pair of sneakers wrapped in my whole heart.

And I’m grateful to be softening alongside you.

Xoxo,