Gratitude as a Path to Closeness: The Shift That Softened My Marriage And Helped Me Feel Loved Again

Week 5 of The Softening Series: 10 Weeks of Deepening My Marriage

Gratitude as a Path to Closeness: The Shift That Softened My Marriage And Helped Me Feel Loved Again

I’ve been so, so tired this week.

The kind of tired that settles into my bones during this final stretch of pregnancy.. the restless nights where I just can’t get comfortable, the heavy belly, the juggling of kid’s homework, activities, routines, and finishing up work before maternity leave. By the end of each day, I feel totally wiped, barely able to keep my eyes open through dinner.

And right in the middle of all of that exhaustion… my husband has been loving me with a tenderness that keeps catching me off guard.

Every morning, after my shower, there’s a warm quesadilla and a mug of hot cocoa waiting for me on the kitchen table. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t even express a desire for it. He just knows me so well these days- knows my cravings, knows what comforts me, knows the tiny rituals that bring me back to myself.

Last weekend he spent an entire Saturday deep cleaning the house from morning till dusk so I could feel more ready to bring our baby home. A few days before that, he ordered surprise desserts from my favorite local baker for my baby sprinkle. And sometime in between, he mowed and raked an entire acre of our backyard, simply because he knew it would make me feel calmer.

Every desire I’ve expressed lately (even the ones I never spoke out loud)  seems to arrive before I can even name it.

And here’s the truth that lives underneath all of this: I’m letting myself receive it.

I’m not keeping score or feeling like now I “owe” something and need to make it up. I’m not worrying that I’m taking too much. I’m not bracing for disappointment or waiting for the moment the tenderness disappears.

There’s just a steady hum of gratitude in my heart… and a deep exhale I didn’t know I needed.

But it wasn’t always like this. 

There was a long stretch of my marriage where I didn’t see any of the goodness that was there, not because it wasn’t happening, but because I was too braced to receive it. I didn’t know it then, but I was constantly scanning for proof that I was unloved.

It was subtle, almost invisible, but it was constant. A low hum of hypervigilance that lived under everything.

The compliment he didn’t say. 

The dish he didn’t wash. 

The moments he didn’t read my mind. 

The connection I had to ask for instead of him magically offering it.

Each tiny, ordinary moment became painful “evidence” I wasn’t cherished. 

“See? I’m not enough.” 

“See? He doesn’t care.” 

“See? I’m alone in this.”

I wasn’t actually seeing him.. I was seeing my fear reflected back at me.

And underneath the frustration, the resentment, and the perfectionism… there was something much more tender I never admitted out loud: I honestly didn’t believe I was worthy of being loved.

So even when he did try… I couldn’t feel it. 

Even when he was showing up… I couldn’t receive it. 

Even when love was right there… I filtered it through lack.

Gratitude can’t grow in the soil of fear. And neither can intimacy.

Somewhere along the way, through the intentional choice to broaden my focus and my perspective and to receive, that belief began to soften.

I started experimenting with not assuming the worst. I started practicing seeing what was there instead of hunting for what wasn’t. I started letting myself consider the possibility that I was loved… even when my old fear wanted to disagree.

It didn’t happen overnight. It happened in thousands of tiny moments where I chose curiosity instead of certainty, openness instead of bracing, softening instead of scanning.

And gradually, quietly, something healed.

This week, as I watched my husband love me with such devotion and allowed myself to feel fully cherished, something in me settled more deeply than ever before:

I am worthy of this. 

I am loved like this. 

And it feels really, really good to let that truth land.

To finally see and feel how loved I truly am in my marriage.

I finally stopped blocking the love that was already there.

And now I'd love to invite you to explore:

Where have you been scanning for evidence that you’re unloved? 

And what might you see differently if you softened your gaze, even just a little?

Are you softening with me this week?

And now, if you feel stirred by this, if something in you whispered “that’s me”… here’s the invitation I want to gently place in your hands:

This week, choose just one ordinary moment each day and let yourself interpret it 10% more generously than you normally would. 

Because when your heart has been braced for disappointment for a long time, softening can't be rushed, it often needs to come in small, safe sips. And that’s okay.

This isn’t about manufacturing fake gratitude that you don't actually feel. This is about giving your nervous system a chance to see what it can receive, even if your marriage feels hard right now.

Maybe he texted back. 

Maybe he put the kids to bed and you had a little extra time to relax. 

Maybe he showed up tired but still tried in his own way to be supportive. 

Maybe he paid a bill, locked the door, brought in groceries, or handled a task you’ve stopped noticing because it’s always been his way of loving, and it became part of the status quo. 

Tiny is enough. 

Ordinary counts. 

The point isn’t the size of the moment, it’s the softening inside of you.

Each day, ask yourself:

“If I assume love instead of lack by just 10%… what might this moment be offering me?”

Let curiosity, not pressure, guide you. 

Let the smallest signals of steadiness and care be allowed to register in your mind. 

Let your heart experiment with the possibility that not every imperfect moment is evidence of being unloved, and instead, receive the possibility that you are indeed loved. 

Softness is not a destination. It’s a direction. And I’ll be practicing it right alongside you.

This week reminded me, yet again, that marriage grows in the direction where we place our attention.

When I stopped scanning for what was missing and started letting myself see what was already abundant, something in my marriage blossomed. My husband didn’t suddenly transform into a different man; I simply stopped blocking the love he’d been offering all along. And the more I received from him, the more his efforts multiplied.

Gratitude didn’t make me smaller or bring me into a mode of settling. Gratitude didn't brainwash me into seeing my marriage through rose tinted glasses (something I had previously been afraid of). No. Instead, it made our love bigger.

Because when a woman softens into receiving, love rushes in to meet her. And when we treat our marriage like a garden instead of a problem to solve, it grows stronger, sweeter, and more alive.

I’m learning, still, that I am worthy of being well loved. And that letting myself receive that love is one of the most intimate gifts I can give back to the giver- my wonderful husband.

Here’s to softening together, one small moment at a time.

Xoxo,

Laura Amador

Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach and Intimacy Skills Expert

👉 PS. New Here? The best place to start is with my free guide: 5 Steps to Reignite Connection In Your Marriage

PPS. Catch up on previous weeks of The Softening Series here:

Conversations I Previously Avoided In My Marriage

How I’m Filling My Cup

What I’m Releasing So Love Has Room to Breathe

A New Season Of Love

PPPS. Want to share your own thoughts and reflections with me? I'd love to hear! Email me at: info@coachlauraamador.com