The Conversations I Previously Avoided In My Marriage- And How Softening Helped Me Find My Voice Again

Welcome to Week 4 of The Softening Series: 10 Weeks of Deepening My Marriage. I'm so glad you're here. This is:

The conversations I previously avoided in my marriage- and how softening helped me find my voice again.

There was a time in my marriage when I thought intimacy meant silence.

Not the warm kind of quiet, like exhaling onto someone’s chest and feeling held without needing words. No. I mean the tight, pursed-lip, don’t-rock-the-boat, don’t-need-anything-from-anyone kind of silence.

When I first learned and began practicing The Six Intimacy Skills, I misunderstood them in the deepest way. Instead of freeing me, I thought they were confining me.

I heard “Stop criticizing. Stop controlling. Relinquish expectations.” And somehow interpreted it as: Stop having needs. Stop having desires. Stop having feelings. Stop being sensitive. Stop taking up space.

So I did.

I went from being a woman who constantly complained and nit-picked my husband (hello old coping mechanism)… to swinging the pendulum so far in the other direction that I nearly silenced myself out of existence.

No requests. No desires. No vulnerable truths. No waves. No voice...

I wasn’t soft...

I was duct-taped.

I was disappearing. 

And I wore it like a badge of spiritual maturity.

For a while there, my new normal was swallowing, adjusting, minimizing, and shrinking. Trying so hard to not control that I no longer took up room. Trying so hard to not criticize that I stopped expressing myself altogether.

I convinced myself this was growth. But what it actually was? A slow heartbreak. A slow deterioration of everything that made me, me. I was losing sight of my values, my desires, my voice, my magic. 

I’ll never forget a moment that now feels like a snapshot of that whole era.

I was in the hospital bed, laboring with our first baby. Contractions rolling in, breathless and raw and doing the most primal work of my life... And my husband was scrolling on his phone.

In the old version of me, that moment would’ve launched a thousand complaints. But this new “evolved” me? She said nothing. She duct taped and relinquished control. Not because she felt peaceful… but because she felt muzzled.

I wanted his hand. His eyes. His presence.

But more than that, I wanted to prove I could be a woman who needed nothing. Who was "skilled" and “empowered” (wow did I misunderstand what that meant!). A woman who didn’t make waves. A woman who didn’t turn her unmet needs into conflict.

So I duct-taped. And silently hurt. And secretly resented.

Later, when we brought our baby home, the silence echoed louder.

No visitors stopping by, minimal calls or texts. I felt forgotten by my people. Alone. Overlooked. Uncelebrated. Unseen.

I told myself:

This is what it means to relinquish expectations. This is what non-attachment looks like. I guess this is just adulthood. People are disappointing, and it is what it is.

But the truth? I didn’t feel at peace. I felt abandoned by the world… and by myself.

What I understand now, with so much gentleness for that version of me, is this:

My husband wasn’t uninterested in me or our child’s birth. He was overwhelmed and unsure how to support me… (because I never told him how he could!) 

My loved ones didn’t stay away because they didn’t care. They truly thought they were giving me space to bond and recover… (because I never told them I was craving their company!)

None of them failed me. They simply couldn’t read the desires I never voiced.

The self-betrayal wasn’t that I desired more. It was that I silenced my desires altogether.

It took me years to understand that the Intimacy Skills weren’t asking me to disappear. They were inviting me to soften into integrity.

To express without demanding. To desire without manipulating. To invite without clutching. To speak without shrinking.

Today, I no longer silence myself in the name of relinquishing control. I use the skills to free my voice, not cage it.

Rather than restricting myself for fear of being “too much,” I now do this:

1. I ask myself what I would truly love (in other words, what is my vision)

2. I express my pure desires with warmth and invitation

3. THEN I release outcome, timing, expectations, and control

These days, I don’t feel disappointed by the people in my life anymore. I feel chosen. Held. Known. Supported. And deeply loved.

Because it turns out, not only do they genuinely care… They finally know how I love to be loved. I'm not expecting anyone to read my mind.

And this time around, as I prepare to welcome our next baby, I’m doing the thing I was too afraid to do before:

I’m saying the soft, real, vulnerable parts out loud.

I’m telling my husband:

I would love counter-pressure on my back during contractions. 

I would love a heating pad on my shoulders if the hospital room is cold. Fuzzy socks. A warm meal after the birth. Conversation during labor. Companionship. Presence.

And I’m telling my people:

I would love visitors postpartum. Texts and calls mean the world to me. I’d love company while the baby naps, and I’m receiving all the help I can get! 

And most importantly, I’m reminding myself:

Everyone in my life loves me and is doing their best. Their heart messages speak louder than any expectations ever could. I can express my desires with zero attachment to how they land. My voice is the integrity. The outcome is not the measurement.

That is the softening.

That is the liberation.

That is intimacy rooted not in silence, but in truth.

The Invitation - If you're softening with me this week

What is the invisible box you built around yourself that keeps you small in your marriage?

Maybe, like me, it’s one labeled:

Good sport. Easy, happy wife. Low maintenance woman. 

I don’t want to be too much. I’ll be fine with crumbs.

OR maybe….

It’s the box of the wife that holds everything together. 

The one who has to manage everything or nothing will get done. 

The one who doesn’t get to have play, pleasure, or joy because she’s too busy taking care of everyone else.

The wife who tries so hard, and still feels lonely and disappointed…

Where have you shrunk yourself in your marriage? Locked down your heart’s desires and been afraid to want more?

And if you gently placed your hand on your heart and asked:

“What is one vulnerable truth or pure desire I could express, simply because I deserve to take up space?” Do I dare to honor it and speak it aloud?

Not to change the outcome. Not to manage someone’s response. Not to get it “right.”

But to reclaim the part of you that has every right to be vulnerable, to be sensitive, to have desires and take up space. The part of you that is alive, courageous, vibrant, authentic, and magnetic.

Maybe it sounds like: 

“I would love….”

Or “ouch” if your feelings are hurt

Or “I feel so loved when you hold me in your arms”

Say it without tightening. Without bracing. Without rehearsing the other person’s response. Say it because your voice is allowed to exist. 

Not for the result-  but for the reclamation of YOU. Your voice matters. And intimacy requires integrity. 

The Lesson - Intimacy doesn’t ask you to shrink.

It asks you to come forward. Softly. Truthfully. Honestly. Fully.

Not from fear. Not from control. Not from strategy. But from integrity.

A woman who expresses her desires or her vulnerability is not demanding. She is remembering herself. And that remembering, more than any outcome, is what brings you home.

You don’t soften by disappearing. You soften by un-armoring.

And there is nothing more tender, more powerful, or more magnetic than a woman who has found her voice again… and speaks from love, not resentment or expectation.

I’ll be doing this right alongside you this week. Taking up a little more space. Speaking a little more authentically. Loving a little more vulnerably.

You’re not too much. You never were. If you’re like me.. you’ve just been learning to hold your voice with love.

Today, I'm not avoiding vulnerable conversations in my marriage. And I hope this inspires you to soften into your voice too.

Xoxo,

Laura Amador Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach and Intimacy Skills Expert 

PS. New Here? The best place to start is with my free guide: 5 Steps to Reignite Connection In Your Marriage

PPS. Want to share your own thoughts and reflections with me? I'd love to hear! Email me at: info@coachlauraamador.com