Why Trying So Hard Wasn’t Fixing My Marriage—And What I Did Instead

How letting go of the pressure to do it all brought more peace, connection, and love than I expected

If you’ve ever thought, “I’m doing everything I can, but nothing is changing,” you’re not alone. So many women come to me feeling exhausted, frustrated, and heartbroken because the more they try to fix their marriage, the more distant things seem to feel.

That was my story, too. Trying so hard just wasn't fixing my marriage.

I thought if I just worked harder, explained things better, kept things running smoothly, and reminded him more kindly… then he’d finally show up the way I needed him to. But instead of bringing us closer, all that effort left me feeling more alone.

What finally shifted everything? I stopped trying so hard to fix him or our marriage—and I started doing something else instead.

In this post, I’m sharing the 3 biggest things that changed when I let go of control and started receiving instead—not in a passive or helpless way, but in a way that invited my husband to lean in, show up, and reconnect with me.

If you’re tired of trying so hard and ready for something that actually feels good, this might be the encouragement you didn’t know you needed.

Why trying so hard wasn’t fixing my marriage—and what I did instead

1. I let go of the pressure to carry everything alone

After years of feeling like my husband wasn’t stepping up, I started to believe that if I didn’t handle it, no one would. I didn’t want to carry the whole load—but I also didn’t trust that he would. And honestly, for a long time… he didn’t.

So I kept doing more. Managing more. Controlling more. Hoping that if I just did it right—explained it better, stayed calm, stayed organized—he’d finally get it and start doing his part.

But all that effort left me exhausted, resentful, and quietly heartbroken. I felt like I was the only one trying.

It wasn’t until I learned the Six Intimacy Skills™ that I began to see a new possibility: What if I could be the catalyst—not by doing more, but by doing less?

That shift didn’t mean pretending he’d always been helpful. It meant creating space for him to show up now—by softening my grip and releasing the belief that I had to be the responsible one all the time.

It was scary at first. But when I stopped jumping in to fix or remind or manage, something surprising happened: he began to step forward. Not perfectly or instantly, but more than he had in a long time.

Instead of micromanaging or silently wishing he would read my mind, I began expressing my pure desires—things I would love to see happen—without strings attached. For example, instead of saying, “Why is the kitchen always a mess?” I could say, “I would love a clean kitchen.” Or instead of feeling frustrated with the overflowing trash, I could say, “I would love help with the trash.”

The key is that I shared the end result of what I would love—without telling him how or when it should happen. How he went about it was up to him. He could do it himself, ask one of our kids to help, or even hire someone to take care of it. That was no longer my job to dictate.

What happened next was incredibly freeing: By simply honoring my truth and expressing my desire, I was creating space for him to show up in his own way. And that’s when things started to change. He began to step in and help more. Not perfectly, but I didn’t expect perfection anymore. I just felt less burdened, more supported, and more connected.

💡 Try this: Today, express one of your pure desires with an open heart—no pressure, no expectation of how or when it will happen. Simply say, “I would love help with the dishes” or “I would love to see that new movie in the theaters.” Trust that by sharing your truth, you’re inviting him to be the hero.

2. I replaced criticism with gratitude (even when it felt hard)

For a long time, I didn’t see myself as critical—I thought I was just being honest, or helpful. I’d say things like, “You forgot to take the trash out again,” or “Why do I always have to ask you to help with bedtime?” To me, I was pointing out what needed to be done. But to him, it probably sounded more like: “You’re not enough. You’re not doing it right.”

Even gentle criticism is tough to receive with an open heart. It doesn’t spark motivation—it shuts it down. And worse, it often buries the deeper truth underneath: I didn’t want to criticize him—I just wanted to feel supported. I wanted to know I wasn’t alone.

When I began learning the Six Intimacy Skills™, I tried something that felt almost backward at first: I stopped pointing out what wasn’t working, and I started noticing what was.

At first, it felt awkward—like I was giving him credit for the bare minimum. But here’s what I discovered: when I found the courage to thank him for the little things—putting gas in my car, washing a pan, fixing something without being asked—he lit up. He stood a little taller. He smiled more. He looked me in the eyes. And slowly, he started doing more—not because I reminded him, but because he wanted to.

Gratitude didn’t just change how I saw him… it changed how he saw himself in our marriage. And that shifted everything.

💡 Try this: Today, find just one thing—however small—that your husband is doing right, and thank him for it. Even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Notice how it feels in your body to speak appreciation instead of frustration. And then notice what happens next.

3. I started receiving instead of controlling

This was, by far, the scariest shift for me.

For years, I wore the badge of “the responsible one.” I was the capable one, the planner, the fixer. If something needed doing—whether it was the laundry, the schedule, or the emotional temperature of our home—I handled it. It made me feel safe… and in control.

But underneath that constant doing, I was exhausted. I didn’t want to be in control of everything—I just didn’t know how to stop. It felt like if I didn’t do it, no one would. And part of me resented that… while another part felt strangely proud of being the one holding it all together.

Then I began practicing something radically different: receiving.

I practiced receiving his help, his affection, his compliments—even if it wasn’t done the way I would’ve done it. I practiced pausing my impulse to correct, improve, or deflect.

So instead of saying, “You’re folding that wrong,” I said, “Thank you for helping with the laundry.”

Instead of responding to “Do you want me to handle dinner?” with, “Don’t worry—I already got it,” I tried saying, “That sounds amazing, thank you.”

Even when I wanted to jump in and take over, I practiced letting go. I reminded myself that receiving didn’t make me weak—it made me connected. And it gave him the opportunity to give, contribute, and even shine.

And slowly… something beautiful happened. He offered more. He did more. He wanted to be my hero. I felt lighter. We felt more like teammates than adversaries. That endless pressure I carried started to ease—and in its place, something sweeter emerged: partnership.

💡 Try this: The next time your husband offers help—or shows up in a way that feels kind, even if it’s imperfect—pause. Smile. And simply say, “Thank you.” That small moment of receiving isn’t small at all. It’s a doorway into a whole new dynamic.

It’s okay to put down the load

For a long time, I believed that if I just tried harder—explained better, did more, stayed on top of everything—things would finally get better. But all that effort left me feeling exhausted, unseen, and painfully alone.

It wasn’t until I began to step back—to soften, to surrender, to receive—that my marriage truly began to heal. Not because he suddenly became someone different, but because I began showing up differently: with more openness, more trust, and more space for both of us to breathe.

And I want that kind of peace and connection for you too. You don’t have to do it all. You don’t have to fix him. You don’t have to carry the whole load.

There’s another way—a softer, sweeter way—that leads to more love, more laughter, and more of the partnership your heart’s been craving.

Ready to go deeper?

If you're ready to stop working so hard to hold your marriage together—and start creating a more connected, playful, and affectionate relationship (without needing him to change)—I've got something just for you:

👉 Download my free guide: 5 Steps to Reignite Connection In Your Marriage

Inside, you’ll find gentle, practical tools that have helped so many women transform their marriages from stressed and distant… to warm, fun, and full of love again.

You're not alone in this. And you don’t have to figure it out the hard way. Let's get you feeling loved and fully supported in your marriage!

Xo,

Laura Amador

Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach and Expert in the Six Intimacy Skills