Before You Give Up on Your Marriage, Try This First

You’re not alone.

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re exhausted.

You’ve poured your heart into this marriage. You’ve tried to make things work. You’ve prayed, read the books, had the hard conversations—but nothing seems to change. You wonder if you’re the only one still holding on, the only one who cares enough to fight for this.

The silent distance. The unspoken words. The exhaustion of trying and feeling like nothing shifts. It’s overwhelming.

And if you’re asking yourself whether your marriage can even be saved, I want you to hear this:

You are not alone. And there is hope.

Before you make any final decisions about your marriage, I invite you to try something different. Not because you “should” stay. Not because I have all the answers. But because you deserve to experience love and connection in a way that truly fulfills you.

Even if you feel like you’ve tried everything—what if there’s a new path forward? A way to bring healing, joy, and intimacy back into your marriage? A way to create a relationship that feels like a safe haven instead of a battleground?

You don’t have to figure this out alone. And you don’t have to stay stuck in a cycle of hurt and frustration. Hope is still here. A new beginning is possible. And if your heart is longing for something more, I would love to walk with you on this journey. Now let's talk about some crucial things to try before giving up on your marriage.

Before you give up on your marriage, try this first

1. Shift Your Focus to What’s Working

When a marriage feels strained, it’s easy to feel like all you can see are the cracks—the misunderstandings, the unmet needs, the recurring arguments that never seem to resolve. Pain has a way of narrowing our vision, making the problems seem bigger and the good moments feel invisible. But here’s a quiet truth that can change everything: what you focus on grows.

Right now, it might feel like there’s nothing left to appreciate. Maybe resentment has built up over time, or the emotional distance feels too wide to cross. If that’s where you are, please know—you’re not alone, and you don’t have to force gratitude or pretend things are fine. But what if, just for a moment, you gave yourself permission to see something new?

Instead of looking for all the ways your husband isn’t showing up the way you wish he would, what if you started noticing the small ways he does? Maybe he still provides for your family, even when things are hard. Maybe he fixes things around the house, keeps his word on commitments, or makes sure your car has gas. Maybe he brings you your favorite snack from the store or always locks the doors at night to keep your family safe.

These may not be grand romantic gestures, but they are glimpses of care. And noticing them doesn’t mean ignoring the hard things—it just means opening the door, even slightly, to a different perspective.

Here’s a simple but powerful way to start: Try saying thank you. Not as an obligation, but as a small offering of warmth. Maybe it’s just a quiet “I appreciate that” when he does something thoughtful, even if it’s small. Gratitude has a way of softening walls and opening hearts. It can be the first step in shifting the energy between you, creating space for connection to grow again.

Challenge: Take a moment today to write down three things—no matter how small—that your husband does that show care. Then, choose one and express appreciation for it in a simple way. Maybe with words, maybe with a smile, maybe with a touch on his arm. See how it changes the atmosphere between you.

Even the tiniest shift in focus can create ripples. And sometimes, those ripples lead to waves of change.

2. Express your pure desires 

Most wives long for more time, affection, and attention from their husbands. It’s natural to crave closeness—to want to feel cherished, prioritized, and connected. But sometimes, when we try to express these desires, they don’t land the way we hope. Instead of being heard as an invitation, they can come across as complaints (“You never spend time with me”) or demands (“I need you to help out more”). Even though those feelings are completely valid, they can unintentionally create distance rather than drawing him in.

So what if, instead, you expressed your desires in a way that felt lighter—like an open door rather than a push?

This is the beauty of what I call a pure desire—a simple, heartfelt expression of what you would love, without expectation or pressure. It’s the difference between saying, “We never go on dates anymore” (which can make him feel criticized) and something like, “I loved when we used to go on walks together. I’m going for one after dinner—I’d love to invite you .” No pressure. No expectations. Just an open and friendly invitation. 

Or instead of saying, “You never show me affection,” you might gently share, “I love when you hold my hand—it makes me feel so close to you.”

These small shifts in language are powerful. They allow him to step forward freely instead of feeling like he has to defend himself or meet a demand. When there’s no pressure, love and connection can flow naturally.

And here’s the most beautiful part: When you express your desires with warmth and openness, you give him the chance to step up—not because he has to, but because he wants to.

Challenge: Take a moment today to think of one thing you would love to experience with your husband—something simple and heartfelt. Then, express it as an invitation rather than an expectation. Notice how it feels to share from this place of openness, and see what happens.

You might be surprised at how naturally love finds its way back in. 

3. You can’t control him- but you can set the tone

One of the hardest truths in marriage is this: we cannot control our husbands. No matter how much we wish we could, we can’t make them more romantic, more communicative, or more affectionate just by telling them to be. We can’t force them to see things the way we do or act the way we wish they would.

And yet, here’s the beautiful part—we don’t have to.

Because while we can’t control them, we can set the tone in our marriage. We can choose how we show up. We can decide whether we carry stress or peace, whether we pour joy into our days or wait for someone else to bring it to us. And that, dear wife, is incredibly powerful.

I remember working with a wife who felt utterly exhausted. She wasn’t just carrying the weight of her own responsibilities—she felt like she had to manage everything. How her husband spent his time, how he helped with the kids, even how he spoke to her. To her, this wasn’t about control—it was about making sure the household ran smoothly. She truly believed if she didn’t manage everything, it would all fall apart.

But instead of bringing them closer, it left her feeling drained and him feeling resistant. The more she pushed, the more he pulled away.

And then, something incredible happened. She made a shift. She let go of micromanaging and started focusing on her own happiness. She stopped nagging and started trusting. She poured her energy into what she loved—reading books, reconnecting with friends, enjoying a hobby she had long neglected. She became lighter, freer, more at ease.

And within weeks? Her husband started leaning in. He began offering to help, sitting closer to her on the couch, even planning little surprises. Not because she told him to, not because she convinced him, but because the energy between them had shifted. She was no longer carrying the weight of control, and in that space, he chose to step forward.

This is the quiet magic of marriage—when a wife nurtures her own joy, her husband is naturally drawn to it.

So ask yourself: When was the last time you did something just because it made you happy—without guilt, without expectation, without waiting for him to join you?

The more you reclaim your own happiness, the more inviting, effortless, and fulfilling your marriage can become. Because love flourishes in freedom, and joy is one of the most beautiful invitations of all.

4. The surprising power of letting go of criticism

Right now, it might feel like your husband doesn’t appreciate you. Maybe it seems like he takes you for granted, like no matter how much you try to explain your feelings, he just doesn’t get it. You’ve tried to make him see, to point things out, to get through to him—but somehow, the more you try to fix things, the more disconnected you feel.

If that sounds familiar, I want to offer you a gentle, freeing truth: Criticism, even when well-intended, can slowly drain the warmth from a marriage.

And I say this with love, because I know you don’t mean it as criticism. You just want to be understood. You want things to get better. You’re trying to help. But sometimes, what feels like helpful feedback to us can feel like rejection to him. And when a man feels like he’s constantly being told what he’s doing wrong (or not doing at all), his natural instinct is to withdraw, not to lean in.

So here’s a simple but powerful challenge: Try a 7-day experiment—no criticism, no corrections, no unsolicited advice.

Instead of pointing out what he’s doing wrong, try letting silence be your superpower—or better yet, replace it with words of appreciation.

I know this might feel uncomfortable at first. When we’ve been hurt or frustrated, biting our tongue can feel unnatural. But what if, instead of reminding him that he left his shoes in the wrong place, you simply let it go? What if, instead of pointing out what he forgot, you found something—anything—he did right and acknowledged that?

I’ve seen this one small shift work wonders. Wives who felt invisible suddenly found their husbands softening. Couples who had been distant for years rediscovered small moments of connection. A husband who seemed cold and unresponsive started initiating hugs again.

Because when criticism fades, kindness has space to grow.

Your challenge: For the next seven days, hold back the urge to correct or critique. Instead, offer at least one genuine word of appreciation each day. It doesn’t have to be big—just something real.

You might be amazed at how this small shift creates space for warmth, closeness, and even romance to bloom again. 

5. Fill your own cup first

When marriage feels heavy, it’s easy to get caught up in trying to fix things—pouring all of your energy into the relationship, analyzing every interaction, searching for ways to make it better. And while that desire to repair and reconnect is completely understandable, there’s something important to remember:

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

If you’ve been running on empty—constantly giving, worrying, or striving to make things work—it’s no wonder you feel exhausted. But here’s the beautiful truth: Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It’s essential.

Whether it’s through rest, hobbies, prayer, time in nature, or simply doing something that brings you joy, nurturing yourself is one of the most powerful things you can do for your marriage. When you prioritize your well-being, your energy shifts. You become more peaceful, more confident, more radiant. And that change in you can create a ripple effect—often inspiring your husband to show up differently too.

Because a wife who is at peace with herself brings warmth into her home. A wife who finds joy in her own life becomes naturally more inviting. And a wife who cares for herself sets the tone for a marriage filled with more love and ease.

So, what’s one small thing you can do today just for you—without guilt, without justification, simply because it nourishes your soul?

The more you pour into yourself, the more love you have to give. And sometimes, that simple act of self-care is exactly what your marriage needs. 

6. A word on traditional marriage counseling

When a marriage is struggling, many couples turn to counseling as a last-ditch effort, hoping it will be the key to saving their relationship. And while therapy can be helpful in certain situations, it’s important to acknowledge a truth that many wives quietly wonder but rarely say out loud: traditional marriage counseling doesn’t always work.

Why? Because most marriage counseling is designed to rehash past issues—to analyze what went wrong, dig into old wounds, and dissect every hurtful moment. And while understanding the past can be valuable, reliving it over and over doesn’t always create a better future.

In fact, counseling sessions often put both spouses on the defensive, reinforcing conflict rather than building connection. Instead of feeling hopeful, many couples leave therapy feeling more frustrated, more misunderstood, and more hopeless than before.

If you’ve ever walked out of a counseling session feeling drained, discouraged, or even further apart from your husband, please know—you are not alone. And more importantly, it’s not a sign that your marriage is beyond saving.

Because the truth is, transforming a marriage isn’t just about resolving past issues—it’s about learning new skills that create the relationship you want moving forward.

Imagine if, instead of focusing on what’s broken, you focused on what can be built. Imagine if, instead of hashing out past grievances, you learned how to create a dynamic where love, trust, and warmth could thrive again.

Real change happens not by fixing everything wrong about the other person, but by cultivating what’s right. And when you start learning the skills to do that, you might be surprised at how much healing, peace, and joy naturally follow.

7. A new approach: the power of personalized coaching

Unlike traditional counseling, relationship coaching isn’t about dissecting what’s wrong—it’s about learning actionable skills that create real, lasting change. Instead of rehashing past conflicts, coaching helps you shift your approach in ways that naturally invite more love, more affection, and more connection—without requiring your husband to change first.

I worked with a wife recently who was on the verge of giving up. She felt unseen, unappreciated, and completely exhausted from trying to make her marriage work. She had poured her heart into fixing things, but no matter how hard she tried, nothing seemed to change.

Through coaching, she began making small but powerful shifts—focusing less on what was missing and more on what was already there. She started expressing her desires in a way that felt inviting rather than demanding. She let go of the pressure to make things happen and instead began allowing space for connection to grow.

And within weeks, something beautiful started to unfold. Her husband—who had once seemed distant—began initiating conversations again. He started showing affection in ways he hadn’t before. He chose to spend more time with her, not out of obligation, but because the energy between them had shifted. Today, she describes their marriage as more loving and peaceful than it has been in years.

And I’ve seen this happen again and again.

I’ve watched wives go from feeling unseen and disconnected to feeling cherished and adored—not because their husbands suddenly became different men, but because they started showing up differently. Small shifts. Big transformation.

If you’re feeling hopeless right now, I want you to know—you don’t have to carry this burden alone. I know how exhausting it is to feel like you’re the only one fighting for your marriage. But here’s the truth: you don’t have to do it in isolation.

Even if things feel impossible right now, even if you’re not sure where to start, I want you to know that change is possible. Small, intentional shifts can breathe life back into your relationship in ways you never imagined.

I’ve walked alongside so many wives through this exact place, and I’ve seen what’s possible. If you need someone to walk with you, to hold your hand through this journey, I would be honored to support you with private coaching.

You don’t have to do this alone. And you don’t have to stay stuck. Hope is still within reach. 

8. Ask yourself: what if there’s more love available than you realize?

It’s so easy to assume that our husbands don’t love us enough, that they’ve stopped caring as deeply as they once did. When frustration and hurt build up, it can feel like all the warmth and affection have faded away.

But what if… they do love you—just in ways that have been too hard to see through the pain?

Marriage isn’t about never facing struggles. It’s about having the skills to navigate them with grace, love, and wisdom. And before you decide that your marriage is beyond repair, I want to offer you something hopeful: you don’t have to stay stuck in this place.

These shifts—choosing gratitude over frustration, expressing your desires in a way that invites instead of demands, focusing on the love that’s already there—don’t require your husband to change first. They are within your control. And when you start making these small but powerful adjustments, you may be amazed at how quickly the energy in your marriage begins to shift.

If you’re feeling hopeless right now, please hear this: you don’t have to walk this path alone. Small, intentional shifts can breathe life back into your marriage in ways you never imagined.

Every great love story has moments of struggle—moments where everything feels uncertain. But it’s in those moments that we have a choice. We can keep trying the same approach that isn’t working… or we can take a new path.

Hope is not lost—it’s waiting for you to take the first step toward the love and connection you deserve.

I’ve seen wives go from feeling unloved and unseen to deeply cherished and adored. And it didn’t happen because their husbands magically became different men—it happened because they learned a new way to show up in their marriage.

The path to restoring connection is real. And it’s possible for you, too.

Are you ready to start making powerful shifts in your marriage? My free guide, “5 Steps to Reignite Connection In Your Marriage,” will walk you step by step through simple, actionable strategies you can use today to begin seeing real change—without pressure, without overwhelm. Download it now and take the first step toward the marriage you truly desire.

Xo,

Laura Amador

Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach and Intimacy Skills Expert