Husband Lacks Initiative? How to Get Him to Step Up Without Nagging

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8KRGMS5gNI

How to get your husband to step up when he lacks initiative

At first, I created chore charts so my husband and I would both know exactly what needed to be done around the house, how often, and by whom. When this failed, I started delegating tasks day by day. This worked a bit better… The only problem? I felt like his mother when what I really wanted was to feel like his lover. 

Even with all the constant delegating and assigning tasks, I would come home from work day after day (we worked opposite shifts) to find things half done. Dinner would be cooked, but there would be a disaster in the kitchen. Or there would be new flowers planted in our yard while the inside of our house was turned upside down. 

If I’m being totally honest, I felt like everything he did was just making more work for me. Couldn’t he and the kids just sit still while I was at work and not touch anything? Things would be so much easier! But of course- unrealistic. 

So day after day, my friend’s voice replayed in my head, “Laura, you need to choose your battles”. And since this battle seemed to have no solution, I just gave way to overwhelm and frustration. 

If you feel frustrated because your husband lacks initiative, you know exactly what your husband should do, but he’s not doing it, this article is for you. 

Download my free guide called 3 Steps to Reignite Connection in Your Marriage.

Is this you?

Maybe he said he’d take out the trash and you bristle when you find the bin is still piling over the next day. Or maybe he complains about his job but does nothing to improve his situation. Or you’re sick of him handing you the baby after letting you know that the baby needs a diaper change. 

You can drive yourself mad wondering, “why won’t he just do it?!” “Where is this man’s initiative?!”

This can be especially maddening if you’re a go-getter. You love to check off all the items on your to-do list. You’re organized and responsible. You make budgets and plans to help you accomplish your goals. When you see something needs to be picked up or down, you take care of it then and there. 

So why does he like to ignore things until they get so bad you have to jump in and save things or clean up the mess? It’s so confusing, infuriating, and exhausting!

But have no fear, because  in this article, you’ll learn the mistakes you might be making that may actually be feeding this pattern, and three simple yet powerful changes you can make to call in the best version of your husband (the one who takes initiative!) so you can feel more supported and relaxed. 

Why this matters so much (for both of you)

My guess is that feeling like you’re your husband’s mom instead of lover and teammate is not what you signed up for… It’s baffling, frustrating, and exhausting to be with a man who displays little to no initiative.

When you feel stressed and overwhelmed by the amount of work that’s on your plate, it’s nearly impossible to be your pleasant self. This means your husband is probably getting the most prickly version of you (and no wonder!).

But this is a sure fire way to a viscous cycle where he’s not measuring up, you respond by being angry towards him, so instead of him getting the message and stepping up like you want, he keeps his distance and might even help less to try to stay out of your way and the lane of fire. You end up feeling more resentful and defeated than before. 

This takes a huge toll on not only the quality of your marriage, but your quality of life too. Because if you’re busy trying to hold the fort together on your own, that means you probably have very little time to be pouring into you and doing the things that truly bring you joy. 

It’s really hard to feel genuine respect or admiration for a man who refuses or seems incapable of stepping up. 

When respect and admiration dry up, attraction gets sapped up and replaced with resentment. This can lead to a marriage that feels cold and distant, and that can be really painful for both of you. 

But when you instead feel like you can truly count on him to step up for you - your trust, respect, and gratitude for him grows - and you’ll both appreciate that. It’s not only you who feels the difference when you feel relaxed and happy instead of resentful and frustrated - he can tell too. And men love to be their wife's hero. 

Download my free guide called 3 Steps to Reignite Connection in Your Marriage.

Mistakes wives make when trying to get their husbands to step up

First, let’s address some common mistakes that many wives make when they’re trying to get their husband’s to take more initiative. 

1.The first is delegating and nagging.

Creating a budget for “the family” or delegating chores sounds totally logical on paper. And it might work. The only problem is it automatically creates a mother son dynamic, and neither of you will appreciate that. 

Nagging is also exhausting and frustrating for you, and he won’t feel very inspired by it either.  “Did you ask for that raise yet?” “Have you taken out the trash today?” “Are you going to check on the sink or should I call a plumber?”

And trust me- I totally get it. You want things taken care of now so you can move on with your day and know that there’s one less thing for you to worry about. 

It probably feels like if you don’t remind or check in on his progress, things simply won’t get done. And I bet you have plenty of evidence to back that up. 

The problem is.. It’s exhausting to be checking up on someone else’s to-do list all the time. It’s also a strategy that often creates distance.

Humans like to feel autonomous. We also like to feel trusted. And nagging defeats both. 

I know you want to see things get done, preferably sooner rather than later. But if you also want a connected marriage, where you feel like a team and can trust him to have your back, there’s a better way. So keep reading!

2.Rescuing, helping, or cleaning up the mess

A lot of wives I speak to are surprised to learn that being a “helpful wife” is actually shooting yourself, your connection, and his initiative in the foot. 

If you’re constantly jumping in last minute to pay the bill he said he’d take care of on the day it’s due to avoid the late fees, or putting away the socks he left next to the hamper, or sending his mom a birthday card with his forged signature because you know he’ll forget… then you’re getting in your own way. 

The problem with helping him is that you’re leading with a belief that he’s incapable. You’re also shielding him from any consequences and becoming a wife crutch he can come to expect and depend on. Why would he follow up on a bill if he knows that you’ll jump in and take care of it last minute? You’re feeding a dynamic where he doesn’t need initiative, because you have enough for the both of you. 

3.Doing it all yourself 

Maybe you’ve stopped asking for help in the kitchen altogether, so you just do it all yourself. You’re frustrated and huffing and puffing so that he’ll hopefully realize how unfair it is that it all falls on you. You walk by him with the laundry with a scowl and close the laundry room door a little more loudly than necessary. Meanwhile, nothing is changing and the resentment just keeps on building, draining you and creating more distance in your marriage. 

What To Do Instead To Inspire Your Husband’s initiative

1.Get clear on your desires.

The first thing is to get super, super clear on your desires. What would you have that you don't have now if he did X? Fill in the blank.

If he did X, what would YOU have?

To give you an example of what this looks like: I used to nag my husband to ask for a raise for a long time. I would just nag him about that. “You need to ask for a raise.” It was always coming from a place of complaint, or of scarcity, of fear, and of lack, which none of that is very inspiring.

And the underlying message to that was, “you don't make enough money,” which is actually kind of rude and disrespectful. It was probably painful for him to hear.

When instead, I got really clear on my desire and asked myself, what would I have if he got a raise? When I was really, really honest with myself, I realized that my heart's desire was to have our first home.

I wanted to have a home with a backyard and a picket fence and a little white porch. I wanted the dream.

So when I got really honest with that, I could be really honest with him and just say, “I would love our first house. I would love a house.” So simple, so pure, so clean. None of this negative or scarcity.

It was actually coming from a place of faith and abundance. I would love a home.

Within a year of expressing that desire, he had paid off all of our debt, including my student debt, and saved up enough for us to put on a down payment and move into our first home.

I wish I had said that years ago, but instead I was just complaining and nagging him.There really is so much power in just knowing your desire and being able to speak from there.

2.Gratitude

What you focus on is always what's going to grow. So if you focus on everything he's not doing, you're going to get more of the same. If you focus on what he is doing, even if it feels right now like it's very, very little, this is going to change the energy between you.

When you're feeling positive about him, he'll be happy to do more when he feels that positive energy towards him.

Receiving what he is doing and allowing yourself to delight in it, even if it's something really small.

I would invite you to keep a running list of everything that he does for you, for your home, for your family. And to thank him every day for at least one thing, and let him know how it makes you feel.

When you're focusing on all the ways he's being your hero, all the ways he is taking initiative, even if it feels really, really, really small.. guess what? He's going to start taking more and more initiative from there.

3.The spouse-fulfilling prophecy

The third thing you can do is something called a spouse-fulfilling prophecy. So for example, even if you've only said in your head, “gosh, this man never takes initiative,” you're going to want to flip that upside down.

This is working off the same theme that we just talked about, that what you focus on increases.

So if you start saying, for example, “I love that you're a man who takes initiative,” then guess what? That's going to be what you're going to start to experience.

I used to tell my friend, “oh my gosh, this man will never change a diaper,” or “he'll never put the kids to bed.” I would be so frustrated and so resentful.

But what I started to do was say the opposite. I started to look at all the ways that he does help and he does contribute, which it turned out to actually be a lot.

So when I started realizing, wow, actually he not only cooks for us every day, delicious meals, but he's teaching the kids how to cook. He's teaching the kids how to garden. All of the wonderful things that he is doing.

I started just naturally and organically speaking and being grateful for that out loud. I'd say to my mom, “wow, he's so amazing because he's helping me with the kids and teaching them how to cook and teaching them how to garden.”

And it felt so real. It was so genuine. And guess what? He started helping more and more and more and more with the kids and taking so much initiative.

So that previous experience that I was having is no longer relevant at all, because my new experience is actually that he's incredibly helpful and takes so much initiative.

You are so powerful

I know it might not feel like it right now, but you really do have so much power in setting the tone and in creating the reality that you want to experience simply by shifting what you focus on, by expressing your desires, and speaking light into your husband.

When you get clear on your desires, practice gratitude for what he is doing, and begin to speak to the best in him, you can call in the version of him that takes initiative.

You can start to feel so much more supported, to feel like you really are on a team, that he has your back, to feel taken care of, and to feel like you can really trust him to step up for you and be there for you.

Of course, we never can control anybody else, anybody outside ourselves. So this isn't about control.

But we can influence how others respond to us by shifting how we interact with them and how we believe in them.

Think about someone who has really believed in you and seen the best in you, versus somebody who has not given you the benefit of the doubt and assumed the worst of you.

How differently do you show up with those two people?

How differently have you interacted with them?

What different aspects and parts of you have risen based on who you were interacting with and the beliefs that they had about you, and you mirrored them right back?

So you are so powerful, and you can call in the best version of him by being open and willing to see the best of him as well.

Ready to go deeper?

Download my free guide called 3 Steps to Reignite Connection in Your Marriage.

And if this resonated with you and you'd like to take it much deeper and transform your marriage with a guided step by step process and with my support, let's talk.

I believe in you.

Xoxo,

Laura Amador