.png)
I can still remember the excitement buzzing through my classroom as kids shared their holiday wishlists for Santa. Their faces lit up as they described the new toys they hoped to find under their tree.
It was my first Christmas in the US and my first time hearing about making a Christmas list. That day, I rushed home, grabbed a piece of paper, and started writing mine. My list was long and full of all the things I’d seen in store windows or on TV.
When my dad saw me going through magazines, he asked what I was doing. After I explained, he looked at my list, smiled, and gently crumpled it in his hands.
“Let’s start over,” he said.
Together, we sat down and wrote a new letter: "Dear Santa, I’ll be happy with anything. Thank you for remembering me."
At the time, I didn’t fully understand what my dad was teaching me, but that moment stayed with me. Now, as an adult, I see it as my first lesson in pure desires—the difference between being open to receiving something that can add to your joy versus expecting something to fulfill it.
12 days of pure desires: how letting go of expectations can rekindle your marriage this holiday season
Pure desires are not needs or demands. They aren’t a list of things that must happen for you to feel whole or happy. I like to think of them more like beautiful bubbles you blow out into the universe—joyful to release, unattached to whether they come back to you. And the magic is, they often do.
This practice of naming my desires has become a way to honor what brings me delight without clinging to outcomes. It’s not about control or expectations but about celebrating the possibility of adding a little cherry on top of the joy I already create in my life.
Pure desires are about tuning into what lights me up, releasing those wishes into the world without attachment, and marveling at how they often come back to me like unexpected gifts.
So, this year, I’m celebrating the holiday season with 12 Days of Pure Desires. These are not things I need to be happy—they’re simply wishes that make my heart flutter a little. If some of them come true, wonderful! If not, I know I’ll still be full of gratitude for the life I have.
Why pure desires matter in relationships
When I don't honor my desires, I become resentful. It also becomes very unlikely that I'll ever get what I want if I never actually express it. By acknowledging what I want, it doesn't mean I absolutely must have it or expect it, but it means I acknowledge that I am worthy of joy and abundance.
Honoring pure desires deepens intimacy and connection in a relationship, and can rekindle your marriage. When I acknowledge my wishes, I’m being vulnerable—I’m letting my husband and loved ones (and the universe), know what brings me joy without demanding that they fulfill it. It also give my husband very important information about how he can add to my happiness.
For example, if I say, “I’d love to toast champagne on New Years” I’m sharing a way to delight me. But I’m not saying, “You must plan something or else I’ll feel unloved.” The freedom in pure desires allows them to be received as inspiration rather than obligation.
This openness creates space for the people in my life to respond in their own way. It’s not about me controlling their actions; it’s about inviting them into a moment of connection if they choose to join me.
Pure desires: what they are (and what they’re not)
Pure desires are often misunderstood because they’re easy to confuse with other concepts like needs, limits, control, or expectations. Here’s how they differ:
Pure desires are not needs
Needs are essentials—things you must have to function, like food, sleep, or a safe environment. Pure desires, on the other hand, are about wanting something, not because you need it to survive but because it lights you up or brings joy to your heart.
A need might be having a nutritious meal to nourish your body.
A pure desire could be wishing for a beautifully plated charcuterie board to enjoy with your favorite glass of wine, simply because it feels indulgent and fun.
Pure desires add flavor to life—they’re the cherry on top, not the foundation.
Pure desires are not limits
Limits are about honoring yourself by not taking on too much so you don't become overwhelmed, depleted, or resentful. They’re rooted in self-care and maintaining emotional or physical wellness. Pure desires, however, are about inviting joy without attachment to whether it happens.
A limit might be saying, “I need time to rest after 9 PM.”
A pure desire could be saying, “I’d love a cozy movie night with hot cocoa and a warm blanket.”
Limits define what you need to feel safe and healthy, while pure desires are about the icing on the cake—the lovely extras that make life feel magical.
Pure desires are not about control
Control tries to dictate how things should happen or how others should behave. Pure desires are about expressing what you’d love and then releasing the outcome.
Control might look like insisting on a detailed plan for a holiday outing, managing every little detail to make sure it’s perfect.
A pure desire could be wishing to see the Christmas lights with your family, but being okay with whatever unfolds—even if it’s a last-minute change of plans or just watching lights in your neighborhood.
Pure desires leave space for spontaneity and the joy of unexpected moments.
Pure desires are free from expectations
Expectations come with strings attached, creating a sense of entitlement: “If this doesn’t happen, I’ll be upset.” Pure desires, in contrast, are free from that weight. They’re about recognizing what you want and letting it go, trusting the universe—or your loved ones—to meet you halfway if they can.
An expectation might be thinking, “My husband should come to my family’s holiday party because that’s what married couples do.”
A pure desire could be: I’d love to feel connected to my husband during the holiday season. This focuses on the connection you want to experience without attaching it to a specific action or expectation from him. It allows your desire to exist without requiring him to feel controlled, pressured, or obligated. Instead, it opens up space for genuine connection.
Pure desires are about openness and gratitude, allowing joy to surprise you rather than being tied to a specific outcome.
The power of letting go of expectations
Expectations hold back our happiness because they create a condition or timeline, where we only allow ourselves to feel happy if our expectations are met. Pure desires, on the other hand, are like bubbles: they float gently into the universe, carried by hope and joy, with no strings attached. They’re not about controlling outcomes or creating conditions for happiness—they’re about celebrating the act of desiring itself.
The beauty of pure desires lies in their freedom. By letting go of expectations, I release the pressure on myself and my loved ones. This doesn’t mean I don’t care—it means I trust. I trust that whatever comes back to me will be enough because it’s given with love.
Pure desires also keep me focused on gratitude. Instead of dwelling on what I don’t have, I find joy in the many ways my husband and family already show their love. When I practice noticing and appreciating those moments, my heart feels full, and my connection with them deepens.
Here’s my 12 days of pure desires, a mix of little joys, big dreams, and soul-nourishing moments:
1: A Monthly Facial Membership
This might be the most indulgent self-care I'll be receiving since becoming a mom seven years ago. I've been saying I want to get a monthly facial for years, and my husband has been so supportive saying, "then make an appointment!". But even a decade into the Intimacy Skills, I still can fall into the trap of telling myself "that's too much", "I don't really need that", and "I just can't justify spending that money". Well, this is the year I hold myself to what I preach and am going to honor my desire not just by talking about it, but by receiving my husband's supportive invitation to just go and do it already!
2: A Scented Candle That Smells Like Pine
Ahhh, nothing quite says peace and calm in a space then a good scented candle. It goes especially well with our decorated Christmas tree and stockings over our little electric fireplace. Even in the most chaotic moments of motherhood, when the house is a mess, and kids are complaining about homework, nothing says you've got at least some things together like a scented candle! Am I right?
3: A Bottle of Red Wine
There’s something undeniably luxurious about pouring a glass of red wine at the end of a busy day. I barely drink these days, but sometimes at the end of a long, cold winter day, I love to unwind with a glass of wine and a good Netflix drama.
4: A New Mug
It seems like it's always my favorite mug that comes out of the dishwasher cracked, or that my child knocks of the table. I currently find myself sipping out of a plain white mug in the mornings, and that just won't do. I love mugs with some personality! It’s a simple pleasure, but the right mug can turn an ordinary cuppa into something special.
5: A Movie Date
Sharing a movie under a cozy blanket feels like pressing pause on life’s busyness. Whether I'm snuggling with my dog, my kids, or my husband, there's just something so cozy and connecting about watching a movie.
6: A Birthday Trip to Visit My Sister in Puerto Rico
My sister recently accepted a job as an environmental scientist in Puerto Rico. And the photos she's sending me every day of the mountains and the beach while I'm here drudging through cold mud and snow... well, they have me 'this' close to booking a flight to join her in paradise. I've already expressed this pure desire to my husband and. his response was so wonderful. He said, "go for your birthday, you deserve it!" I'm so lucky and grateful for him!
7: A Visit to the Children’s Museum with My Kids
One of my core memories growing up was my mom bringing my sister and I to the Children's Museum in Boston. I was awed by everything I saw! I am just so excited to relive that awe and wonder through the eyes of my children, and to have them experience the magic or special memories with family.
8: Time Off to Declutter My House
A clutter-free home brings me so much peace and clarity. Every few months, I love dedicating a day to focus solely on creating a space that feels light and welcoming, clearing out what no longer serves us. And we are overdue! I would absolutely love some child-free time to declutter and power clean!
9: A Visit to My Aunt in Mexico
My aunt played a huge role in raising me and shaping the person I am today. It's been far too long since I've seen her, and I miss her dearly. It would mean the world to be able to spend some quality time with her in my childhood home in Mexico.
10: Baking Christmas Cookies with My Kids
The smell of cookies baking, the giggles over sprinkle designs, and the joy of creating together—ahh these are the moments when magic is felt and love is in the air. I want to create that warmth and fun for my kids that I experience when my mom baked cookies with us as kids!
11: A Meditation Bed for My Office
I've been committed to taking 10-15 minutes every afternoon to close my eyes and refresh. It helps me transition from work to afterschool pickup. I usually sit in my office chair, and I think a little place to lay down would be amazing. A place to pause, breathe, and center myself so I can show up as the best version of me.
12: To Mark Our Anniversary In February In Some Special Way
I'm not tied to any of these ideas, but a few pure desires I have floating around are to try out a greek restaurant, to toast with some champagne, to have a cozy weekend away, or to go dancing!
Your turn! what would your 12 Days of pure desires look like?
I invite you to make a list of your pure desires and to have fun with it!
Remember, pure desires aren’t about making demands or setting conditions for happiness. They’re about honoring what lights you up and trusting that love will find its way back to you.
Try making your own list, letting go of expectations, and embracing the joy of dreaming. You might be surprised by what comes back to you—sometimes in ways you’d never expect.
Here’s to a season filled with hope, connection, and the magic of pure desires!
Ready to rekindle your marriage?
"If you're feeling disconnected and unsure where to start, my free guide 5 Steps to Reignite Connection in Your Marriage is the perfect first step. It will walk you through simple, actionable strategies to start reconnecting with your spouse today—without needing to make big changes. Click to download it now!
For wives who want deeper, personalized support, private coaching could be your path to lasting change. Together, we’ll work through the challenges in your marriage, create a plan that empowers you, and help you rediscover the intimacy and connection you’ve been missing. Click here to explore if coaching is the right next step for you.
Xo,
Laura Amador
Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach and Intimacy Skills Expert
Comments