How To Overcome Resentment: The Silent Marriage Killer

How to overcome resentment in marriage

I remember the moment I realized I was keeping score…

We were sitting at dinner and my husband made a comment about being tired. Something inside me snapped. Tired? I thought. You're tired? I had spent the entire day managing the house, answering calls from work, dealing with a sick kid, doing laundry, responding to emails, and somehow still showing up as the patient, pleasant wife. And he was tired from work?

I didn't say any of this out loud. Instead, I smiled tightly and said, "That's nice," with just enough edge that he knew something was wrong. But when he asked what was bothering me, I said, "Nothing. I'm fine."

Except I wasn't fine. I was drowning in resentment.

If you've ever felt that bitter tightness in your chest when your husband walks through the door, or caught yourself mentally tallying everything you do versus everything he doesn't do, or noticed that you can barely look at him without feeling irritated, you know exactly what I'm talking about. 

Resentment doesn't announce itself with fireworks. It seeps in quietly, disguised as justified frustration. And by the time you notice it, it's already wrapped itself around your heart like poison ivy.

What resentment really is (and why it feels so justified)- overcome resentment in marriage

Here's the tricky thing about overcoming resentment in marriage: it almost always feels completely reasonable.

You're not making things up. You really are doing more than your fair share. He really did forget that important thing you asked him to handle. You really have been the one holding everything together while he seems blissfully unaware of how much mental and emotional labor goes into running a life together.

Resentment is what happens when we feel chronically unsupported, unseen, or unappreciated, and we don't speak up about it in real, vulnerable ways. Instead, we swallow our hurt. We keep going. We tell ourselves we're being strong or selfless or that it's just easier to do it ourselves. And with every unexpressed need, every swallowed disappointment, every moment we override our own exhaustion to keep the peace, resentment grows.

I once spoke with a woman who told me she couldn't remember the last time she'd looked at her husband with actual warmth. "I feel like a roommate who does all the chores," she said. "And the worst part? I don't think he even notices. He thinks everything's fine."

That's the insidious nature of marriage resentment, it builds in the silence. And by the time it shows up in our tone, our distance, our coldness, we've often been suffering alone for so long that our husbands are genuinely confused about why we're upset.

👉 Download my free guide: "3 Shifts To Reignite Connection In Your Marriage" and discover how to release resentment and restore emotional balance in your relationship.

The over-functioning trap: how we can participate in our own burnout

Let me ask you something that might sting a little: How much of your resentment comes from things your husband actually asked you to do, versus things you decided needed to be done and took on yourself?

This was a hard truth I had to face in my own marriage. I was furious that I was doing everything. But when I got really honest with myself, I realized that much of my "everything" came from standards and expectations I had created, and never clearly communicated.

I wanted the house organized a certain way. I wanted the kids' schedules managed with color-coded precision. I wanted meals planned, holidays coordinated, emotional check-ins with everyone. And because I wanted these things done my way, I just... did them. Then I resented him for not reading my mind or volunteering to do them exactly as I would have.

This is what over-functioning looks like. We step into roles that may not have been explicitly assigned to us, and then we feel angry when we're the only ones carrying the load. We become the managers, the coordinators, the ones who hold all the details, and then we're exhausted and bitter because no one else seems to care as much as we do.

Here's what I've learned: over-functioning doesn't just create emotional burnout for us. It also quietly takes away our husband's opportunity to step up. When we're already doing it all, what's left for him to do? When we've already anticipated every need and solved every problem, where's the space for him to contribute?

I'm not saying your husband has played no role. I'm not saying the division of labor in your home is fair or that you're imagining things. What I am saying is that if we want to release resentment and reclaim our joy, we have to look honestly at the ways we might be contributing to our own depletion.

How resentment erodes what we're really longing for

When we're deep in resentment, connection becomes nearly impossible. There's plenty of research to support that resentment truly impacts the well-being of a marriage.

Resentment creates a lens through which we see everything our husband does, or doesn't do, as evidence that he's failing us. We notice every dish left in the sink. We catalog every time he forgot something. We speak to him with that particular tone that says, "I don't trust you to handle this." And then we wonder why he seems checked out or defensive or distant.

A woman I worked with once told me, "I thought I was just being efficient when I redid the dishes he'd loaded. I thought I was being helpful when I reminded him three times about an appointment. But now I see, I was telling him with my actions that I didn't trust him. That he wasn't good enough. That I was the only competent one."

When we lead with resentment, we lose the ability to see our husbands clearly. We stop noticing what they are doing and fixate only on what they're not. And in that space, emotional safety disappears. Warmth disappears. The intimate connection we're actually craving becomes impossible because we've armored ourselves in bitterness.

The path out of resentment

This is where the work gets both uncomfortable and incredibly freeing. If you're someone who's been white-knuckling your way through marriage, managing every detail, anticipating every problem, letting go might feel terrifying at first.

Letting go doesn't mean becoming passive or letting everything fall apart. It means releasing your grip on outcomes you can't actually control anyway. It means trusting that your husband is capable of figuring things out, even if he does them differently than you would. It means releasing the invisible workload you've been carrying that was never yours to carry in the first place.

I remember the first time I truly practiced this... My husband said he'd handle getting our daughter to her weekend activity. My immediate instinct was to jump in with reminders: what time to leave, what she needed to bring, the route to take to avoid traffic. Instead, I bit my tongue. I said, "Thank you," and I walked away.

And you know what? He handled it. Not exactly the way I would have. But he handled it. And our daughter got there on time, happy, with everything she needed.

That small moment taught me something profound: my need to control wasn't protecting my family. It was protecting me from the discomfort of not knowing if, when, and how things would play out. And it was robbing my husband of the chance to show up.

How to actually release resentment (not just stuff it down)

So what does it look like to genuinely release resentment and stop the cycle of over-functioning and emotional burnout? Here are some practices that have transformed my marriage and the marriages of countless women I've worked with:

1. This isn’t about blaming yourself or taking responsibility for someone else’s behavior. It’s about reclaiming your power. When you can see your part clearly, you stop feeling stuck and start feeling choice again.

Ask yourself with curiosity, not judgment: Where have I been overriding my own needs or pushing past my limits? Where have I been doing things out of obligation, habit, or hope for appreciation, things that were never actually asked of me? Where have I been silently keeping score instead of speaking up about what I need or what isn’t working for me?

This kind of honesty can feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s also incredibly freeing. Because the moment you see where you’ve been abandoning yourself, you’re no longer trapped, you have options. You can choose differently. You can stop over-giving, start asking, and begin creating a life that feels lighter, calmer, and more sustainable for you.

2. Practice gratitude. This might sound impossible when you're deep in resentment, but here's the truth: you cannot feel resentful and grateful at the same time. They can't coexist in the same moment. So when resentment is clouding everything, gratitude becomes one of your most powerful tools for shifting your heart. This doesn't just sound nice- it's backed by science.

Try this: make a list of at least 10 things you're genuinely grateful for about your husband. Not things you wish he would do, but things he actually does or qualities he actually has. Maybe he makes you laugh. Maybe he's patient with the kids in ways you're not. Maybe he works hard.

Maybe he tries, even when he doesn't get it quite right. Maybe he stayed when things got hard. Maybe his hugs still feel like home on the rare occasions you let yourself receive them.

Write them down. Keep the list somewhere you can see it. Add to it when you notice something new. This isn't about pretending the hard things aren't real. It's about training your eyes to see what's good alongside what's difficult. And when you start looking for things to appreciate, something miraculous happens: you start finding them. And slowly, that tightness in your chest begins to loosen.

3. Reclaim your voice: lead with your desires, not your complaints. There's a completely different energy between "You never help with the kids' bedtime" and "I would love your help with bedtime tonight." Can you feel it? One closes him down, puts him on the defensive, makes him feel like he's already failed. Expressing desires opens a door, invites him in, gives him a clear way to show up for you.

When we're deep in resentment, we often speak in complaints because we're so hurt and tired that all we can see is what's missing. But leading with complaints doesn't actually tell him what we need. They just tell him what he's doing wrong. And when someone feels like they're constantly failing, they often stop trying altogether.

What if instead, you practiced saying what you actually want? Not the whole history of everything that's been wrong, just what you need right now, in this moment. "I'm exhausted and I really need your help tonight." "I'd love to take a walk alone, would you handle dinner?" "I need to feel close to you, can we talk for a few minutes before bed?"

Yes, this might feel vulnerable. It is vulnerable. Because you're risking him saying no or not responding the way you hope. But here's what I know: vulnerability is the doorway to real connection. Complaints keep you safe but separate. Desire spoken honestly creates an opportunity for him to meet you, to see you, to step toward you. And that's where intimacy lives.

4. Reclaim your own aliveness and joy. I want to be really clear about something: emotional burnout doesn't just come from doing too much for everyone else. It comes from doing nothing for yourself. And I don't mean bubble baths and spa days, though those are lovely. I mean the deep, soul-level tending that reminds you that you're a whole person with your own desires, your own joy, your own aliveness.

When was the last time you did something just because it made you feel good? Not because it made you a better wife or more patient mother or more productive human, but just because it lit you up inside? What makes you feel rested? What makes you laugh? What makes you feel creative or free or connected to yourself?

Maybe it's reading a novel in the middle of the day. Maybe it's dancing in your kitchen. Maybe it's saying no to something you don't want to do. Maybe it's buying yourself flowers or taking a class or spending an afternoon doing absolutely nothing. Maybe it's reconnecting with your faith, or your friends, or a hobby you abandoned years ago because there wasn't time.

Here's the thing: you don't have to wait until everything's perfect or until you've earned it or until everyone else is taken care of first. Start now. Start small if you need to. But start. Because when you're running on empty, when you've given everything away and kept nothing for yourself, resentment will always find a way in. But when your own cup is full, when you feel alive in your own life, you have so much more to give, not from depletion but from overflow. And that changes everything.

When you stop keeping score, something shifts

I wish I could tell you there's a magic formula for permanently erasing resentment overnight. Unfortunately, there isn't because it’s a process. It takes time to unlearn patterns of over-functioning. It takes practice to speak vulnerably instead of bitterly. It takes courage to let go of control and trust that things will be okay even when you're not managing every detail.

But here's what I can tell you: when you begin to release resentment, when you stop keeping score and start tending to your own heart, something profound shifts in your marriage.

Your husband feels it. Suddenly, there's more space for emotional safety to grow between you. There's an ease between you that hasn't been there in a long time.

And you feel it too. That tightness in your chest starts to soften. The irritation that used to simmer just below the surface begins to fade. You remember what it feels like to actually like being around your husband again, instead of just tolerating his presence.

A woman I worked with described it this way: "I didn't realize how heavy resentment was until I started putting it down. It's like I've been carrying a backpack full of rocks for years, and I finally get to take it off. My marriage isn't perfect, but I can breathe again. And that changes everything."

The intimacy that waits on the other side

Here's the beautiful truth about releasing resentment: it creates space for genuine intimacy to return.

When we're not busy keeping score, we can actually be present with our husbands. When we're not exhausted from over-functioning, we have energy for connection. When we're not armored in bitterness, we can be tender again. Playful. Warm.

This doesn't mean pretending everything's fine or bypassing legitimate hurt. It means choosing to heal yourself so you can participate in your marriage from a place of wholeness instead of depletion. It means approaching your relationship from your fullest, truest self, not as a technique to manipulate outcomes, but as an authentic expression of who you really are.

Because here's what I believe with my whole heart: you didn't get married to become a resentful, burned-out version of yourself. You got married because you believed in love. You believed in partnership. You believed in building something beautiful together.

That belief is still in you. Under the resentment, under the exhaustion, under all the ways you've been trying so hard to hold everything together, it's still there. And it's not too late to come back to it.

You're not broken, you're just ready to remember your power

If you're reading this and recognizing yourself in these words, I want you to know: you're not broken. Your marriage isn't doomed. You're not too far gone.

You're just tired. And hurt. And probably overdue for someone to tell you that you don't have to keep carrying all of this alone.

Releasing resentment isn't about doing more. It's about doing less of what's depleting you and more of what fills you up. It's about speaking truth with love instead of swallowing hurt in silence. It's about trusting that your marriage can hold your authenticity, your real needs, your real feelings, your real self.

You deserve a marriage where you feel seen, supported, and cherished. And creating that marriage begins with you reclaiming your own joy, your own energy, your own heart.

👉 Ready to take the first step? Download my free guide: "3 Shifts To Reignite Connection In Your Marriage" and discover how to release resentment and restore emotional balance in your relationship.

Xoxo,

Laura Amador