How To Thrive During Family Visits So They Don't Put Stress On Your Marriage

Laura Amador
20 hours ago
6 min read

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jomwtznR6MY

How to thrive during family visits so they don't put stress on your marriage

There’s a Mexican proverb that says, “guests, like fish, begin to stink after three days”.

I never quite understood the meaning.. Until I became the one hosting.

If you’ve ever had guests come and stay with you for an extended period of time, you may have also experienced the stress and tension that can put on you (and your marriage).

There’s something deeply vulnerable about being seen, really seen, in your own home, living your life, and interacting with your family.

Not only is your space invaded and your routines shaken, but at some point, it can start to feel a bit emotionally exhausting to feel like you have to be “on” all the time.

And if you’re anything like me, you may be unwittingly putting loads of pressure on yourself to be a perfect hostess.

Or, at the very least, you’re hoping that your guests will still like you at the end of their stay.

In this article, you'll learn how to thrive during family visits so they don't put stress on your marriage.

When I thought I needed to be a perfect wife, hostess, mother, woman

I’ve come a loooooooong way since the early days in my marriage, when unexpected dinner guests made me feel panicked and resentful.

To be clear, I didn’t resent the guests, but I resented the inability to present myself as “perfect” when I wasn’t prepared. I resented feeling out of control..

I also resented my husband for springing the surprise on me, and, as I would whisper to him when no one was looking, putting me in an awkward situation.

I resented his being so sociable and friendly even though this was one of the reasons I fell in love with him.

I couldn’t just “go with the flow”. I wanted to know the plans and the schedule so I could be prepared (even if it was only emotionally). Surprises? No thank you. I liked control.

These days, I genuinely LOVE hosting people. I mean it when I say, “estas en tu casa” (you’re in your home).

The day my sister in law left after staying with us a week, I cried because I dearly missed her company.

So I was surprised when I noticed something familiar happening as we’ve been preparing for several guests to stay with us this summer.

Even though I loved our soon-to-be guests and couldn’t wait to spend time with them, I once again felt afraid of the vulnerability that came with sharing your space so intimately with others.

I found myself lacking trust in my own ability to keep my cup full and falling into the trap of trying to be the perfect hostess. I was afraid of feeling emotionally drained. And I was deeply afraid of being judged.

I had a low hum of worry that had been gradually building in my mind as the date approached, which was how I knew I needed to address it.

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What I'm Learning Instead

Whenever I notice my anxiety building, I come back to these five simple practices that always help me return to peace.

1. Face the fear honestly.

What was I so afraid of? I had already shared my fears with you, but to summarize, I was mostly afraid of judgement. Of being seen as less than.

Was that fear realistic? Perhaps… I didn’t really know

Could I control it? Of course not. And I knew that trying to control their opinion by putting on some sort of act was both exhausting and an illusion.. I couldn’t control how others saw me.

Was it worth the price of stressing about it? Definitely not!

2. Decide how I wanted to experience the visit.

This was the fun part… creating the vision, or setting the intention.

My vision for this visit was to feel at ease, to have fun, to get to know our guests more deeply, and to enjoy the week. Life is beautiful, summer is hot, the pool is calling, and my summer reading list is deliciously long. I was not going to allow my silly insecurities get in the way of enjoying myself and growing!

3. Let go of impossible expectations.

I would be releasing the need for our house to be perfectly tidy (it would likely be pretty chaotic most of the time).

I was releasing the feeling that I needed to be a “perfect” mom, wife, hostess, woman… I wouldn’t be cooking all the meals- and that was ok! I was no less a wife, mom, woman, hostess because of it. I would be receiving help- and that was good! The kids might bicker.. And that was ok! It was what kids did sometimes. That didn’t make me a failure.

I think I was afraid of judgement because deep down.. I might have been judging myself? (Wow, everything really is a mirror!)

Maybe my guests weren't carrying impossible expectations. Maybe I was. Maybe I was assuming they'd judge me because I had already judged myself.

If I believed an untidy kitchen meant I was failing… of course I would assume everyone else believed that too.

I was releasing the need to be together and super chummy 100% of the time.

I was releasing the need to be included in everything.. Some things would be for the kids to enjoy together. Some would be more suited to my husband’s company. If I wasn’t involved in everything all the time, it wasn’t personal!

I was releasing my fears. I was releasing my reluctance to vulnerability. And I was opening my heart.. Who knew.. I might come out of this with a beautiful, deepened friendship?

4.Create a self-care list. This was indispensable.

Part of why I used to dread hosting guests was because when we did, I put a dead stop to all of my self-care in order to wait on our guests hand and foot. It was exhausting!

By the end of their visit, I was depleted and cranky. And that served my marriage well. Things usually felt pretty strained between us, and it would take weeks to come down and reconnect again.

Now, I know better. The best way to be a gracious hostess (and preserve the connection in my marriage), was to keep my self-care cup FULL. Extra full. Seriously, spilling over the top full.

That meant not foregoing my workouts because I was afraid I might appear rude. Not letting FOMO stop me from taking a breather, or a nap, when necessary. And not making it my job to make sure everyone was entertained and happy 100% of the time.

I could trust them to be ok without me while I did some self-care! I recommended getting super specific and making a list of the actual self-care I planned to do while my guests were visiting.

Here’s my list:

Exercising by going on a daily walk in the morning.
Reading my book in my comfy chair next to the AC.
Staying hydrated and well fed.
Calling my best friend.
Watching my favorite Youtube channel while I do the dishes instead of pretending I like to do things in stoic silence.
Getting a haircut & some cute clothes leading up to the visit to help me feel confident.
Listening and getting to know our guests better. What a fun opportunity!
Going swimming/reading on the beach. Journaling so I honor my feelings and maintain self-awareness.

5. Honor what I truly desire.

Instead of focusing only on everyone else's experience, I had started asking:

What would make this week beautiful for me?

I decided I would love…

A date night with my husband before and after our guests stayed over.
To take our guests to Newport (a lovely seaside historic town).
Tell stories around the fire under the stars.
Visit a cute cafe and enjoy good conversation.
Watch a movie in the evening after we were all showered and exhausted from a day of sightseeing.
Enjoy some yummy foods.. I was thinking.. Ice cream, seafood

And there! I was feeling genuinely excited now!

The Marriage Lesson I'm Taking With Me

Isn’t it funny how we can experience such a huge emotional shift before anything outside of ourselves has shifted?.. That our inner world is often actually what dictates how we experience so much of our life.

The same could be said for marriage, too. Trying to control our circumstances outside of ourself and manage other people (like their opinions of us) created inner turmoil.. While releasing control created peace.

The quickest way to enjoy the people you love was to stop trying to manage how they feel about you. To stop performing for them.

Face your fears. Relinquish what’s outside of your control. Take excellent care of yourself. And honor your desires.