Why You're The Only One Trying In Your Marriage

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NI3MRL74u4

The only one trying in your marriage

So many wives who are carrying their marriage alone, are often so open to having the tough conversations and more than willing to work on the relationship. 

But the harder they work, the more distant their husband seems to become.

If you're the only one trying in your marriage, you’re probably exhausted from feeling like you’re the only one trying in your relationship.

Frustrated that if it weren’t for you, the marriage might already be over, and heartbroken that you seem to be the only one who really cares. 

But what if the very things you've been doing to try to fix your marriage are actually keeping it stuck?

Today I'm going to explain why you’re stuck in this dynamic, and what you can do differently that actually invites your husband back into the relationship.

I'm Laura Amador, relationship coach for wives, and I help wives restore connection, peace, and intimacy in their marriages.

And if you're a wife who desperately wants a better marriage, this post is for you.

---> Download my free guide: 3 Steps to Reignite Connection

Why you're the only one trying

When I was a newlywed, a friend of mine and experience marital veteran warned me, “my marriage was great… until I tried to fix it”. 

I was perplexed, but heeded her warning that at the time was, “don’t try to fix what isn’t broken”...

But what about fixing what WAS broken??

When a marriage starts feeling disconnected, the wife is often the first person to feel the pain.

She's the first one to notice.

The first one to worry.

The first one to want to talk about it.

And if you’re anything like me and most of the wives I speak to .. you’re a doer, a go getter.. You don’t just sit around with your arms crossed while things collapse, you roll up your sleeves, start doing research, and set out to fix the problem. 

You open up vulnerable conversations.

Reads books.

Maybe Suggests counseling.

Tries to create more connection.

But then something happens...

The more you focuses on the problems within the relationship, the more your husband seems to pull away.

Now you’re even more hurt and frustrated.

Because from your perspective, you’re trying to save the marriage because you care.

And from his perspective?

He often feels like he's constantly being told something is wrong… and that something.. Is HIM… He often feels like he’s being told that he’s the problem. 

And this is where so many couples get stuck.

The wife becomes more hurt and resentful.

The husband feels more discouraged and criticized.

You pushes harder.

Your husband withdraws further.

You interpret that as him not caring.

But your husband often experiences it as never being able to get it right.

And before either of you realizes it, you're trapped in a cycle neither of you wanted.

That's why this conversation is so important.

Because if you feel like you're carrying the marriage alone, the answer lies in understanding the cycle you've gotten stuck in so that you can reroute and create a new cycle.. One that actually makes you both feel happy and emotionally safe. And that's what we're covering today.

The weight you're carrying

One of the biggest shifts I help wives make is realizing they've accidentally become the marriage manager.

Not because they wanted to carry the weight of the relationship on their shoulders alone… 

But they often unwittingly signed up for this role. Yes, because of love and care, and also because it’s in their nature to try to fix what’s not working, but underneath all of that is a deeper truth… it’s also because they were afraid. 

A wife notices the distance and thinks:

"I need to do something."

So she starts tracking the health of the relationship.

Monitoring how connected they feel.

Watching for signs of distance.

Looking for signs that he's disengaged or not meeting her expectations.

Trying to figure out where the gaps are and what’s going wrong. 

Without realizing it, she becomes responsible not only for her relationship with the marriage...

But for his relationship with the marriage too.

Maybe this looks familiar.

You hear a marriage podcast, a book, or a reel and immediately think,

"I need him to hear this."

So you send it to him.

Then later that day you're wondering:

"Did he listen?"

The next day:

"What did he think?"

Then:

"Should I ask him about it?"

Before long, you're not just responsible for your own growth.

You're managing his growth too.

And that's exhausting.

And that's where things start getting heavy.

I remember a wife telling me:

"Laura, I feel like I care more about our marriage than my husband does."

And honestly, when she described her life, it looked that way.

She thought about the marriage every day.

He didn't.

She was reading books and researching solutions.

He wasn't.

She was working on herself and going to therapy.

He wasn't.

She was initiating conversations and checking in on how he felt.

He wasn't.

But then I asked her a question.

"Who appointed you manager of your husband's relationship with the marriage?"

And she laughed. Then she got quiet.

Because she realized she had spent years trying to manage whether he cared, whether he was growing, whether he was motivated, whether he was changing.

Things she actually couldn't control.

Here's the thing...

You can influence your husband.

You can inspire him.

You can invite him.

You can create emotional safety with him.

But you CANNOT control him..

And all the problem with all the ways most wives go about trying to fix their marriage, is that they’re often heavily seeded in control. Though you might not see it this way, most husbands do.

“Let’s read this marriage book together” to you says “I love you, let’s figure this out together”, but he hears, “you’re not being a good husband. Read this book that will teach you to be better”

“Let’s go to counseling” is your way of saying “I really care about our marriage and want it to be great for both of us”, but he hears, “you’re failing at being a husband, and I found someone that will set you straight”

“Can we talk about us?” you may mean, “I want to share my heart with you and understand your perspective too, but he hears, “I’m going to tell you everything you’re doing wrong and how unhappy you make me”.

And that’s enough to make any person withdraw..

He might show up, but his walls go up to protect himself from a launch of attack. what you’re trying to say isn’t making it over the walls and landing in the way you hoped. Then your walls go up because you’re tired of feeling hurt. 

And so you see… the ways many wives try to fix the problems in their marriage is all too often perpetuating the very problems with more walls and less connection. 

That's a hard truth, but it's also incredibly freeing. Because it means your job isn't to carry the marriage.

You can set a new tone between you, but that means letting go of needing him to change before things can be better. 

So here's a question:

What part of your husband's relationship with the marriage have you been trying to manage for him?

The evidence you're collecting

Once you've become the marriage manager, your brain starts looking for proof that you're carrying it alone.

The human brain is a brilliant lawyer.

One wife told me about how her husband walks through the door after work.

He doesn't ask about her day.

He heads straight to the garage.

She's hurt.

Understandably.

Her brain immediately says:

"See? He doesn't care."

What she doesn't know is that earlier that afternoon he called the mechanic because her car was making a strange noise.

He picked up the medication she'd mentioned needing.

And he worked through lunch so he could make it home in time for dinner.

None of those things excuse the lack of emotional connection.

But they tell a different story than:

"He doesn't care."

Once your brain decides something is true, it starts gathering evidence to prove the case.

And when you've been hurt in your marriage, your brain often starts building a case that says:

"He doesn't care."

Suddenly everything becomes evidence...

He forgot to ask about your day.

Evidence.

He seemed distracted during a conversation.

Evidence.

He didn't bring up the relationship.

Evidence.

He didn't respond the way you hoped.

Evidence.

And before long, your brain has built a very convincing argument.

But here's the problem...

When we're collecting evidence for one side of the case, we often stop noticing evidence that doesn't fit.

He fixed the thing you mentioned three times.

Didn't count.

He worked late to provide for the family.

Didn't count.

He handled a problem without being asked.

Didn't count.

He sat beside you when you were struggling.

Didn't count.

Resentment narrows our vision.

And when our vision narrows, we stop seeing the whole picture.

One question I love asking wives is:

"If your husband sat in my chair right now and told me how he shows love, what do you think he would say?"

That question changes everything. Because suddenly we're no longer looking only at what's missing.

We're seeing what's present too. And that's often where softening begins.

When more effort creates more distance

This next piece may be the most important thing I share today.

Many wives believe:

"If I just try harder, eventually things will change."

That strategy works in almost every other area of life.

Work harder.

Get better results.

Practice more.

Improve faster.

Relationships don't always work that way. In fact, sometimes more effort creates more distance.

Have you ever noticed:

The more conversations you initiate, the less likely he is to initiate one?

The more reminders you give, the less likely he is to take initiative on his own?

The more you monitor the relationship, the less likely he is to think about it?

The more responsibility you take, the less responsibility he seems to carry?

I remember a wife who told me:

"I hate that I have to plan every date night. I even have to remind him of our anniversary every year because I’m sure he’d forget if I didn’t."

And when I asked how she felt about that, she said:

"Resentful."

She wanted him to initiate.

She wanted him to pursue.

She wanted him to think about her and seek connection with her. 

But every time she stopped planning the date night and hiring the babysitter, she'd get anxious and start planning again.

Then one day she realized:

"I've been so busy making sure we have date nights that I've never actually given him the opportunity to create one."

That realization changed everything. When she finally stopped, she was shocked when he stepped up, made the reservation, and confirmed the babysitter. 

So many wives are looking at their effort and thinking:

"I'm helping."

And they are helping...

But they may also be unintentionally occupying all the space where his initiative could develop.

Think about a manager and an employee.

The manager tracks everything.

follows up.

monitors progress.

sets the agenda.

The employee responds and often dislikes and resents the manager because most people don’t enjoy being micro managed. 

Many marriages accidentally fall into this dynamic.

And then the wife feels resentful and exhausted because she's carrying everything.

Meanwhile, the husband feels discouraged because he feels like whatever he does is never enough.

One of the most powerful things a wife can learn is how to invite her husband back into the relationship.

Not through her own withdrawal.

But by choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Choosing to trust even when it feels like things might no go perfectly if you let go. And giving him space… to be fully himself, make his own choices, to think for himself without help or reminders..

Space for him to initiate.

to contribute.

to show up.

Because you cannot create partnership by carrying both sides.

And sometimes the first step toward partnership is putting something down.. In this case, putting down the very need to fix him. 

What I wish every wife new about carrying the marriage alone

Invitation and control are not the same thing.

Somewhere along the way, many women started believing:

"If I care more, I should do more."

So they become hyper-vigilant, constantly taking the temperature of their relationship.. Trying to find solutions and fix what isn’t working, and getting hurt and exhausted when nothing seems to get better..

They end up carrying so much emotionally and becoming resentful and hopeless along the way. 

But positively Influencing your relationship doesn't come from carrying more or trying harder.

Healthy marriages aren't built because one person becomes strong enough to carry everything.

They're built when both people are allowed to carry what belongs to them, which means wives release their husband’s paper and everything on it back to him, drastically lightening her own load so she finally has space to tend to her own joy again. 

Real intimacy isn't created through problem hacking… but through trust.

which requires releasing the need to control the outcome and choosing faith over fear. 

It's release of the belief that if you lighten your grip, your world will come to pieces around you.

You deserve to feel emotionally safe, and to know that your greatest power lies in your influence and invitations, and not in the constant putting out and preventing of the fires that seem to pop up all around you. 

You were never meant to be running around your marriage carrying heavy buckets of water with your blistered and exhausted hands, putting out fires alone. You deserve to feel secure, cherished, supported, and appreciated. 

And when you stop carrying what isn't yours, you often discover just how much strength, peace, and influence you actually have, and the power you have to set a new tone and energy between you and your husband. But the first step is putting the buckets down there were never yours to carry. 

What burns inevitably becomes fertilizer, creating a nutrient rich soil, primed for regrowth of something beautiful. 

Like a phoenix, rising from the ashes, a marriage can be reborn where things once seemed hopeless. 

Relationship experiment

I want to invite  you to ask yourself where in your marriage you’ve been running around putting out fires.. 

And to experiment with setting the heavy bucket of water down. Of running your tired, blistered soul under cool running water and lovingly covering them with a gentle balm..

In other words, using the energy you’ve been using on trying to hold everything together and using it instead to tend to yourself. To giving yourself nourishment.. Starting with the basics of proper sleep, hydrating, and good food.

Then moving onto the things that delight you and bring you joy.. Like creativity, reading, seeing friends, visiting a museum, rocking out to your favorite play list, moving your body.. Whatever it is for you, prioritizing it.

What if the future of your marriage depended on you making yourself happy?

If what you want is better and healthier marriage, This is the first and non-negotiable first step. 

Take the next step

If this resonated with you, I have a free guide called 3 Steps to Reignite Connection that will help you take the next step.

If you're listening to this and thinking:

"Laura, I've read been working so hard to fix my marriage 

"And I still feel stuck."

You don’t have to do this alone. 

When you're inside the dynamic, it's very difficult to see it clearly. That's where 1:1 coaching can make all the difference.

If you're ready for more personalized support, you'll find information about working with me one-on-one in the description as well. 

I help wives stop the cycles of resentment and disconnection and become the woman who creates emotional safety, intimacy, and influence in her marriage.

You don't have to keep carrying this burden by yourself. There is another way. And I'd be honored to help you find it.

Xoxo,

Laura Amador