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How to Stop Resenting Your Husband When You Feel Angry and Overwhelmed
- Laura Amador
- 10 minutes ago
- 5 min read
“Imagine you’re 100 years old, and you get to time travel for 1 day back to the life you have now. Just think.. How would you do today differently?” - a bit of advice from one of my most beloved and wise patients
How to Stop Resenting Your Husband When You Feel Angry and Overwhelmed
It was another long, ten hour day of work at the dental office, plus two hours of commuting.
I had held myself together all day, smiling with ease, having pleasant chit chat with patients, and patiently explaining for the millionth time the importance of yearly bitewings.
When an angry patient demanded to know why their insurance hadn’t covered their claim, I listened, made them feel heard, and helped find a solution.
I was tired, but I was patient.
So why, oh why did all that calm, peace, and patience disappear the instant I got home??? Why was it so easy for me to feel resentful and angry towards my husband when I was overwhelmed?
Why Was I So Angry With My Husband?
I walked through the door, tired and hungry and found the house turned upside down.
Strawberries smeared on the floors, cereal trailing on the ground from room to room, fresh handprints and crayon scribbles on the walls, toys everywhere, crusty dishes left out, and the kids covered in sticky stuff and mud from head to toe.
I immediately felt the calm, peaceful, patient woman drain away and become replaced by a woman on edge, ready to scowl at the next person to make the wrong move.
My husband made eye contact, and sensing my rage bubbling below the surface, quickly gave me a peck on the cheek, told me dinner was on the stove and rushed off to his night shift work, leaving me to deal with my overstimulated nervous system on my own.
As I poured the stew my husband had made into bowl, I wondered at myself…
Why was I so much better at being patient with strangers than with the people I loved most?
The work at home was honestly no more challenging than the work at the dental office.
In fact, dental hygiene was very emotionally and physically demanding, requiring long hours of working bent over in uncomfortable positions, working through carpal tunnel pains, and with a permanent smile on my face.
So why did I seem completely incapable of showing up in the same pleasant and patient way at home?
As we sat down for dinner, my son elbowed his bowl and sent his stew flying onto the floor.
I remember thinking “there’s no use crying over spilled milk” as frustrated tears poured down my face while I went to get the mop.
When Resentment Starts to Build in Your Marriage
Then came the guilt. What was wrong with me? Why was I so angry?
I didn’t know the answer to that. But I sure did know who to blame…
MY HUSBAND. Of course!
Wasn’t it all his fault that the house was a mess and our kids were bouncing off the walls?
Except.. no.
When I really stopped to look at what was happening, I knew that wasn't true.
I knew from my own experience that even after cleaning up after the kids all day, five minutes was enough to turn the house upside down again.
And my husband wasn't sitting around doing nothing... He made a point of having dinner ready every day so that we could eat together during our tiny five-minute overlap between my arrival home and his departure for work.
The kids being covered in mud was evidence that they had played outside all day and helped in the garden. They got fresh air, sunlight, and good food. They were fed and well-loved.
The mess wasn't evidence that my husband was leaving everything to me… It was evidence that life had happened.
The Expectations That Were Making Me Resentful
So what was actually happening inside of me?
I realized I was doing two things:
First, I was assigning meaning to my husband's actions, or inactions, and taking them personally.
Second, I was measuring my real life against an expectation of how I thought things should be.
And suddenly I saw the real problem. It wasn’t the mess or my husband..
My expectations were.
At work, I didn't walk into the break-room and think, Someone should have cleaned this before I got here.
I didn't assume an angry patient was disrespecting me personally. I simply dealt with what was in front of me.
At home, I was doing something completely different… I was turning circumstances into stories.
The house is a mess = nobody appreciates how hard I work.
The kids are wild = I can't handle this.
My husband didn't do X = he doesn't care.
And once I believed those stories, resentment came easily. But there was something else that bothered me even more.
I would NEVER dream of treating a patient, colleague, friend, or boss the way I sometimes treated my husband.
Why? Because that’s just not who I am.
That’s why I became upset with myself when I was disrespectful towards my husband or kids because that was in complete misalignment with the type of wife and mother I wanted to be.
I wanted to be a woman who was grounded, joyful, and loving.
And I realized something important: My husband shouldn't have to earn the best version of me.
In fact, my husband and kids should get the BEST version of me, not the shrivelled leftovers.
The man I CHOSE to build my life with. The father of my children. The person who was making dinner and rushing off to work. The person beside me in this messy, beautiful life.
For this, my husband deserved respect above everyone else in my life, not the other way around.
So I decided to try something different.
What If You Can't Control Your Husband, but You Can Change Your Experience?
Instead of walking through the door each day with a list of expectations about how things should look, I would pause and choose gratitude for what was actually there.
I would choose to respect and enjoy my family, even when the house was falling apart.
And I would create a vision for what I wanted coming home to feel like.
That day, my vision wasn't a perfectly clean house... It was dinner outside at the picnic table. It was my children laughing. It was me getting to sit with my book while they played.
So I invited the kids to the park and told them we could go as soon as we had a fifteen-minute cleanup party. I turned up the music and we cleaned together.
Then we walked to the park and I brought my book. The kids played and I sat there listening to their laughter while I read.
Nothing about our circumstances had magically changed. The house was still not exactly guest-ready. The kids were still being kids. And my husband was still a mere-mortal man doing his best.
But I was experiencing my life differently.
You Don't Need a Perfect Marriage to Feel Connected
That evening, when my husband came home, I felt something I hadn't felt when I'd walked through the door earlier that day: Gratitude.
Gratitude for this man I'd chosen, for the children we'd created, for the home we'd built together, and for the ridiculous, exhausting, beautiful life we were living.
Instead of falling asleep with my head filled with resentment about everything that hadn't gone the way I thought it should...
I fell asleep with the sweet awareness that I had it all.
Xoxo,
Laura Amador
If you've been struggling with anger and resentment, and you want your marriage to be your soft space to loved and appreciated, I would love to support you. You can learn more about my 1:1 coaching if you feel ready for that next step.
---> Download the free guide: 3 Steps To Reignite Connection In Your Marriage
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