Discussing Marital Issues with Friends/ Family vs. Keeping Them Private: Pros and Cons List

How Sharing Marital Struggles with Loved Ones Can Impact Your Relationship

When I was struggling in my marriage, I often turned to my girlfriends for advice. We would get together for lunch and they’d pour on the love as I indulged in long venting sessions. I’ll be forever grateful for their patience, love, and support during those difficult days. 

The only problem was, these were MY friends, so of course they were going to take MY side. I would pour out all of my frustrations about my marriage, back them up with examples, and then my friends would lovingly say, “you deserve so much better”, or “he needs to change”, and “have you told him how you feel?”. I’d get all fired up and leave feeling totally loved by my friends, and angrier than ever at my husband. 

The problem? This wasn’t serving my marriage. 

Many of the women I’ve worked with have made a similar mistake: they’ve spent years venting to friends and family about how difficult their husband is. When their marriage starts to improve and their husband begins to make positive changes, it can be challenging and awkward to get those friends and family to understand and believe in the transformation. Sometimes, the pain of having taken sides can be tough to undo, though it’s not impossible.

Every marriage faces its unique ups and downs, and during tough times, it is natural to seek support and guidance. But where should you turn for help when you need to talk about your relationship struggles? Should you confide in friends or family, or keep these issues private and work through them in other ways?

Knowing the pros and cons of discussing marital issues with friends and family vs keeping them private can be incredibly helpful. It allows you to make an informed decision about how best to navigate the challenges in your marriage while protecting both your relationship and your well-being. By understanding the potential benefits and drawbacks, you can choose the path that aligns with your values and supports a positive outcome for your marriage.

Discussing Marital Issues with Friends/Family vs. Keeping Them Private: Pros and Cons List

Pros & Cons of Discussing Marital Issues with Friends and Family

When you're going through a rough patch in your marriage, it's tempting to turn to friends or family members for comfort and advice. After all, these are the people who know you best and care about you the most. However, sharing your relationship struggles with friends and family can be a double-edged sword.

Pros of Discussing Marital Issues with Friends and Family:

• Emotional Support: Friends and family can provide a comforting presence during tough times, offering empathy, care, and a shoulder to lean on when you're feeling vulnerable.

• Familiarity and Understanding: They know you well, understand your background, and are aware of your history, which can make you feel understood and heard in ways that outsiders might not.

• Immediate Availability: Friends and family are usually readily available and willing to listen, which means you can get support quickly without having to wait for an appointment or a scheduled meeting.

• Perspective from People Who Care: Since they care about your well-being, they may offer heartfelt advice and genuine concern, helping you feel less alone in your struggles.

• Shared Experience: Loved ones, particularly those who have been through similar situations, can offer valuable insights and share their own experiences, which may help you feel more hopeful or inspired.

• A Sense of Validation: Talking with friends or family can validate your feelings and experiences, reassuring you that your emotions are normal and that you're not overreacting or alone.

• Feeling Closer With Your Confidant: Opening up about your challenges can foster deeper emotional bonds with friends or family members, as it allows them to be there for you and strengthens mutual trust and understanding.

• Not Feeling Alone: Confiding in friends or family can provide a sense of community and solidarity, reminding you that you are not alone in facing these challenges and that there are people who care about you and want to help.

Cons of Discussing Marital Issues with Friends and Family:

• Bias and Taking Sides: Friends and family are often biased in your favor, which can lead them to take sides or view your spouse negatively. According to research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, when conflicts are shared with close family or friends, these confidants may have a natural inclination to support the person they know best. This can lead to them offering advice that might not be constructive and could create further tension in the marriage if they become more critical or hostile toward your spouse.

• Lack of Objectivity: Friends and family members typically lack professional training in conflict resolution, counseling, or relationship dynamics. Without this training, they may not provide advice that is balanced or helpful in the long term. Research from Family Process indicates that well-meaning advice from loved ones can sometimes escalate marital conflicts rather than help resolve them, as they might unintentionally reinforce negative patterns or encourage behavior that is not conducive to reconciliation.

• Privacy Concerns: Once marital issues are shared, it can be challenging to maintain privacy. Friends or family may inadvertently share sensitive details with others or continue to view your spouse through the lens of past conflicts, even after you've resolved them. This can lead to embarrassment, resentment, or even a breach of trust. This exposure can also damage the social reputation of both partners and create long-term consequences for the couple's social circle.

• Potential for Misunderstanding and Miscommunication: When you share marital issues with friends or family, there is a risk that they may not fully understand the situation or misinterpret the details. In an effort to protect or support you, they might offer advice or take actions that inadvertently worsen the problem. According to research by the American Psychological Association, couples often find that involving third parties, especially those with an emotional connection to one partner, can lead to misunderstandings and make reconciliation more difficult.

• Impact on Family Dynamics: Sharing marital conflicts with family members, in particular, can create rifts or ongoing tension within the family. If a family member becomes overly involved or takes a strong stance against your spouse, it can affect future family gatherings, holidays, and overall family harmony. The Family Relations Journal notes that when family members become involved in marital disputes, it can lead to fractured family relationships, where the couple might feel pressured to "take sides" or limit contact with certain relatives.

• Reinforcing Negative Patterns: When you vent to friends or family, you might unknowingly reinforce negative thoughts or patterns about your spouse. Studies suggest that repeated discussions about grievances without a focus on resolution can entrench negative feelings and make it harder to find constructive solutions. Research in Psychology Today emphasizes that consistently focusing on the negative aspects of a relationship with others can make those issues feel more significant and insurmountable, impacting your perspective and ability to work on the relationship.

• Emotional Dependence and Avoidance: Relying too heavily on friends or family for emotional support can lead to emotional dependence, which might prevent you from addressing issues directly with your spouse. This can create avoidance behaviors, where instead of resolving conflicts with your partner, you seek comfort and validation elsewhere. According to the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, such patterns can undermine marital intimacy and communication, making it harder to repair the relationship.

• Erosion of Trust: If your spouse finds out that you've been sharing private marital details with friends or family, it can lead to a breach of trust. This can feel like a betrayal, especially if they feel exposed or judged by those close to them. Trust is foundational in marriage, and any perception of betrayal can significantly impact the emotional safety of the relationship.

Pros & Cons of Keeping Marital Issues Private

Choosing to keep marital issues private doesn't mean suffering in silence. Instead, it involves being intentional about where and with whom you share your concerns. This approach can allow you to manage your challenges more constructively and protect the integrity of your marriage.

Pros of Keeping Marital Issues Private

• Protects Relationship Trust: Maintaining privacy about your marital issues can prevent your spouse from feeling exposed or betrayed, which is crucial for maintaining trust. Trust is foundational for healthy relationships, and breaches can have long-lasting effects on intimacy and communication.

• Encourages Direct Communication: Keeping issues private encourages you to communicate directly with your spouse, which is essential for resolving conflicts constructively. Effective and compassionate communication is linked to higher relationship satisfaction and reduced conflict levels.

• Reduces Outside Influence: By keeping matters private, you prevent external parties from influencing your thoughts, emotions, or decisions. Even when expressed with love and care, external opinions can sometimes distort perceptions and lead to decisions that may not align with your true feelings or best interests.

• Minimizes Misunderstandings: Privacy helps ensure that sensitive information is not misunderstood or misrepresented by others. Sharing less information means fewer opportunities for friends or family to misinterpret the situation, reducing the risk of creating further confusion.

• Preserves Positive Relationships with Others: Keeping issues between you and your spouse can help maintain positive relationships with family and friends. When others are not involved in your private matters, they are less likely to form negative opinions or become involved in conflicts.

• Promotes Personal Growth and Problem-Solving: Handling marital issues privately often requires both partners to develop stronger problem-solving skills and emotional regulation. Research suggests that couples who face conflicts privately tend to develop greater resilience and adaptability (Journal of Marriage and Family).

• Prevents Emotional Contagion: Emotional contagion is when your emotions influence those around you. Keeping issues private prevents your negative emotions from impacting your friends and family, helping to maintain a positive social environment and maintaining positive relationships between friends/family and your spouse. This is especially felt after the couple has restored their connection, yet the friends/family can no longer see the spouse in the same positive light.

• Encourages Use of Professional Support: Privacy often leads couples to seek professional help, such as therapy or coaching, rather than turning to untrained friends or family. Professional support is associated with better outcomes for couples and more effective conflict resolution strategies (Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology).

Cons of Keeping Marital Issues Private

• Feelings of Isolation:Keeping everything private can lead to feelings of isolation or loneliness, as you may feel like you have no one to talk to about your struggles.

• Lack of Emotional Outlet:Without an outlet to express your feelings, emotions can build up and lead to stress, anxiety, or depression over time.

• Missed Perspectives:Keeping things private may cause you to miss out on potentially helpful perspectives or insights from trusted loved ones who have experienced similar challenges.

• Difficulty in Gaining Clarity:Sometimes, talking things out with others can help clarify your thoughts and emotions. Without this opportunity, it may be harder to gain perspective or understand the root cause of issues.

• Staying Stuck in Negative Patterns:When issues are kept completely private, there is a risk of remaining stuck in the same negative patterns or dynamics without external input or intervention.

• Potential for Escalation:If conflicts are not addressed openly, they may escalate in intensity. Suppressed emotions and unresolved conflicts can lead to larger problems over time.

• Limited Support Network:By not sharing, you may limit your access to your support network, which could be a valuable resource during challenging times.

• Difficulty Coping in a Crisis:In cases where a relationship crisis occurs, keeping things private can make it more challenging to receive the immediate support or help you might need from loved ones.

The Way Forward: Confiding in the Right Person

While there are pros and cons to both approaches, it is wise to find a middle ground. Consider confiding in someone who won’t pick sides or reinforce any negative feelings you might have toward your spouse. This could be a marriage coach or unbiased mentor—someone who is committed to seeing you become your best self, holding you accountable to your growth, and supporting you in making your marriage stronger.

When you confide in someone neutral, you benefit from:

• Unbiased Perspective: They can offer objective insights that help you see your role in the conflict and find constructive ways forward.

  
  

• Accountability: They help you stay accountable to your goals of creating a loving, intimate, and connected marriage.

  
  

• Support for the Relationship: Their aim is not to tear your marriage down but to help you rebuild and strengthen it, even through difficult times.

  
  

In my own journey, confiding in a coach was incredibly valuable. It’s a bit like having a personal guide who helps you stay focused and on track, rather than just offering sympathy.

Research from the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology underscores the advantages of working with a coach. It reveals that individuals who engage in coaching often see significant improvements in relationship satisfaction, communication, and conflict resolution. This improvement is largely due to the neutral, objective perspective a coach provides.

While friends and family can offer support, they might also bring their own biases or lack the specific skills needed to guide you effectively. A coach creates a structured and supportive space, where you can openly explore your issues without judgment. This professional guidance helps keep you accountable and encourages meaningful progress, moving beyond mere discussion to actual, positive change.

If you’re looking for a way to address your marital concerns constructively, working with someone who is dedicated to your growth and supports your relationship goals could be a beneficial step.

Finding Balanced Support: The Value of Professional Guidance in Strengthening Your Marriage

Navigating marital challenges is never easy, and deciding whether to share your struggles with friends and family or keep them private is a personal choice. While loved ones can offer valuable support, there is wisdom in being selective about whom you confide in.

If you find yourself in need of a safe space to discuss your marriage, I invite you to book a complimentary relationship assessment with me. As a relationship coach, I provide a neutral, supportive environment where you can openly share your challenges without fear of judgment or bias. My goal is to help you grow, heal, and rebuild a strong, loving connection with your spouse. Together, we’ll go beyond just venting and focus on creating positive, lasting changes in your marriage.

Take the first step towards a healthier, happier marriage by booking your free assessment today. Let's work together to create the relationship you truly desire.