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When you’re faced with a hurt that runs deep — a betrayal, a broken promise, or years of feeling overlooked — forgiveness can feel impossible and totally unfair. The decision to forgive isn’t always straightforward. Should you open your heart and embrace forgiveness, or should you hold back until…? Until what? Until you feel it’s “earned”? Until the pain subsides? Until you’re sure it won’t happen again?
Let’s explore the pros and cons of embracing forgiveness versus holding back, and consider how each choice can impact your journey toward healing and growth in your heart and in your marriage.
Pro-Con List: Embracing Forgiveness In Your Marriage vs. Holding Back Until…
Pros of Embracing Forgiveness
1. Emotional Freedom:
One of my clients was carrying the heavy burden of anger and pain after her husband’s affair. She still loved him, and wanted to fix their marriage for the sake of their three young kids, but she couldn’t seem to let go of what he had done.
Of course, this was perfectly understandable. She had every right to feel angry, afraid, and hurt. The problem was, being unable to forgive made it impossible to move forward, which is what she wanted for herself and for her marriage. Forgiving was a key piece to her healing and the restoration of trust.
She felt like she couldn’t forgive him until she was 100% sure it was never going to happen again. Unfortunately, we can’t see the future or control what’s going to happen. What we can do is choose to give our trust again as a gift, even if it hasn’t yet been earned back. Why? Because all we can control is ourselves. We can’t control what someone does with the forgiveness we give. But in order to heal, we need to cut ourselves free from the fear, the anger, and the resentment. The only way to do that is through forgiveness.
Courtney chose forgiveness one day at a time, and slowly found that her heart was healing. Her husband, grateful for her forgiveness and determined to earn back her trust, stepped up as a better man for her, doing everything within his power to make her feel emotionally secure in their relationship once again. She said to me she had never felt so loved and cherished before. Their marriage grew stronger than ever!
Choosing to forgive can bring a deep sense of release. Carrying the weight of resentment, anger, or pain can be exhausting and heartbreaking. When you choose forgiveness, you free yourself from the emotional burden that weighs you down. Imagine the relief of no longer carrying that heavy backpack filled with all the hurts and grievances. When you choose forgiveness, you choose freedom.
2. Healing and Reconnection:
Many women want to withhold forgiveness until they feel fully safe in the relationship again. Feeling secure comes from feeling deeply connected to your partner. The problem is, it’s nearly impossible to build a connection with someone who you feel anger and resentment towards. And from the husband’s position, it’s very difficult to connect with someone that you know hates your guts. To break the cycle of disconnect and get to a place of healing, there must be forgiveness.
Forgiveness can be a powerful step toward healing and rebuilding a deeper connection. It creates space for new beginnings, growth, and understanding. By choosing to forgive, you allow yourself to rebuild trust, intimacy, and a sense of closeness that might have been lost.
3. Taking Back Control of Your Happiness:
When you forgive, you reclaim control over your own emotions and well-being. Rather than allowing the hurt to dictate your feelings, you take a stand for your happiness. You’re not saying what happened was okay, but you’re choosing not to let it have power over your joy.
My client Z chose to forgive her partner for a mistake that had caused her immense pain. He had buried them in debt so deep, they lost their house and life savings in a matter of months. When she realized how exhausting it was to continue to hold onto her anger, she chose to forgive her husband. By doing so, she realized that she was no longer a victim to that mistake. She felt empowered, stronger, and in control of her life and choices. She was free, and her husband responded by taking accountability and restoring their finances with his hard work.
4. Deeper Self-Love, Dignity, and Grace:
Forgiving is an act of deep self-love and personal dignity. It shows that you respect yourself enough to choose peace over prolonged pain. Embracing forgiveness demonstrates grace towards yourself and the other person, allowing you to rise above hurt and embody a sense of inner strength and compassion.
One woman chose to forgive her mother for her neglect during childhood that caused her to be anxiously attached to her husband. Forgiveness was a gift she gave to herself that set her free from the burden of her fear of abandonment, and finally gave her the peace and security she had longed for her entire life.
Cons of Embracing Forgiveness
1. Fear of Being Hurt Again:
Forgiveness can feel like you’re opening yourself up to more pain. You might fear that you’re inviting the same hurt back into your life. This fear is understandable, and deserves its time in the sun. Still, if your desire for your relationship is to heal and rebuild it, it will be helpful to embrace the truth: that withholding forgiveness is NOT going to protect you from more pain. On the other hand, when you choose to forgive, you are making the choice to embrace inner peace and choosing your faith over your fear. Without this, true healing can’t begin.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or ignoring the past. It’s about acknowledging the pain, learning from it, and honoring yourself. By forgiving, you’re not saying that you’ll tolerate being hurt again — you’re choosing to let go of the past so you can build a better future.
2. Feeling Like Forgiveness Is “Weak”:
Sometimes, forgiving can feel like giving up or settling. You may fear that by forgiving, you’re letting the other person “off the hook” or that it diminishes the seriousness of what happened.
Forgiveness is actually a profound act of strength. It takes courage to release resentment and choose love over fear. When you forgive, you’re not giving up your power; you’re reclaiming it. You’re choosing to rise above the pain and create a new narrative for yourself and your relationship.
Pros of Holding Back Until…
1. The Illusion of Protecting Yourself from Further Harm:
Holding back on forgiveness can feel like a form of self-protection. If you’ve been hurt, it’s natural to want to keep your guard up and ensure that it doesn’t happen again. You may feel safer waiting until you see consistent change or a genuine apology. The reality is that withholding forgiveness is very painful, and will only get in the way of making real progress in healing the relationship.
The hard reality is that it’s simply impossible to completely protect ourselves from potential hurt. Love and forgiveness inherently involve vulnerability and risk. Fostering an environment conducive to healing involves cultivating mutual respect and treating one’s partner as though trust has already been restored, if forgiveness and healing have been chosen.
Forgiveness and trust, like a muscle, strengthens through practice and exercise, not through withholding until specific conditions are met. It requires a commitment to vulnerability and mutual understanding, where space for growth has been created.
2. Allowing Time for Genuine Change:
By withholding forgiveness, you may feel that you’re giving your partner time to prove themselves — to show through actions, not just words, that they are truly committed to change. It might also give you time to process your emotions and understand what you truly need.
When a couple tries to rebuild trust after it’s been broken, it’s common for the partner who caused the breach to be given a list of conditions to meet. While this seems logical, it often doesn’t work as well in reality. The betrayed partner might keep watching closely for signs that they’ll be hurt again, driven by fear and a protective instinct.
On the other side, the partner trying to rebuild trust can feel stuck in a never-ending cycle where nothing they do seems to be enough. They might feel like they’re forever labeled the “bad guy,” which can lead to feelings of hopelessness and exhaustion.
Real healing requires a bold choice to forgive and trust again. Constantly making one partner prove themselves is controlling and can hurt the healing process. It sets up a situation where one person feels like they’re always being watched, while the other is always on edge, expecting to be hurt. This kind of dynamic only keeps the cycle of mistrust going. The way to break this negative cycle and find healing is through forgiveness.
Cons of Holding Back Until…
1. Risk of Prolonging Pain and Resentment:
Holding back on forgiveness can sometimes mean holding on to pain, anger, or resentment. While this might feel like a way to stay protected, it often leads to prolonged suffering. When you don’t forgive, you might find yourself replaying the hurt over and over again, preventing true healing from taking place.
You don’t have to wait to start your healing process. Even if you’re not ready to fully forgive, you can begin to let go of small pieces of resentment and invite healing into your heart. Each step toward forgiveness is a step toward inner peace and emotional freedom.
2. Missed Opportunities for Growth In The Relationship:
When you hold back on forgiveness, you may miss out on opportunities to grow together and rebuild a stronger foundation. Forgiveness can be a powerful tool for transformation, but if withheld, it can keep you stuck in a cycle of mistrust and disconnection.
Holding back doesn’t have to mean staying stuck. It’s okay to take the time you need, but consider using that time to reflect on what growth might look like — both for you individually and for your relationship. What could forgiveness offer you if you embraced it, even in small steps?
Conclusion: Choosing the Path Forward
Ultimately, the decision to forgive or hold back is deeply personal and should be based on what feels right for you. Remember that forgiveness is a journey, not a destination — and it's one you can take at your own pace.
If you’re ready to explore healing and strengthening your marriage, I’m here to support you. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Book a complimentary relationship assessment, and together, we can find the best path forward for you.
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