My Husband Shuts Down When I Try To Talk To Him

If you feel confused and frustrated by the lack of open communication in your relationship, you’re not alone. Unfortunately, many of us were just never taught what empowered communication looks like.

I’m not one to let problems fester without being addressed. I’m a “fixer,” and the idea of talking things out together to find a solution always appealed to me. My belief that talking about our relationship openly and regularly was key was confirmed by the hundreds of articles I found online suggesting communication was indeed the key to a successful marriage.

The only problem? Talking about “us” didn’t make my husband feel cozy and connected the way I hoped it would. It actually seemed to make things worse!

“We need to talk” was a sentence I said often back then. It was quickly followed up with my list of complaints: that he wasn’t being romantic enough, prioritizing spending time together, or helping out around the house the way he ought to.

It didn’t take long before I found myself talking to a man who seemed to have tuned out and was more distant than ever.

I was confused. If communication was the key to a healthy relationship, why wasn’t it working for us? Why did my husband shut down whenever I tried to talk to him? Why was communication so hard for us?

The truth can be answered by science.

Why Your Husband Shuts Down When You Try To Talk To Him About Your Relationship

The dynamics between husband and wife can seem like one big paradox. Misunderstandings can easily derail a conversation and bring it crashing down into an argument or cold war.

Did you know that talking about issues in the relationship affects the hormones in a husband and wife differently?

UCLA psychologists identified a coping strategy that many women use, which is to address conflicts by talking about them. This poses a conflict for men when they experience the deep shame of not “measuring up,” and therefore, can respond by becoming defensive or shutting down altogether .

The problem often begins when a wife begins to feel unheard, unappreciated, or ignored by her husband, which releases a rush of cortisol in her body (an unpleasant stress hormone). She may turn to her coping strategy by initiating a conversation about how she’s feeling with her husband, hoping that talking and reconnecting will alleviate that stress.

Feeling heard and understood releases oxytocin in her brain (the love hormone), which raises feelings of trust and attraction. She wants to feel heard, connected, and to fix the issues.

Unfortunately, women often open up conversations about the relationship to address issues head-on, which can feel like criticism and control in the male culture, no matter how carefully she chooses her words.

This means that when a wife wants to talk about the relationship, she is looking for relief from her emotional turmoil. Meanwhile, her husband's cortisol is increasing if he’s feeling shamed, criticized, or controlled. If he responds by becoming defensive or shutting down, both feel stressed, disconnected, and unsatisfied.

Cortisol hangovers can last for several days, which may explain the distance and silence commonly experienced after having a “we need to talk” talk.

I used to take my husband’s silence as him being uncooperative or unable to communicate. The truth was, he was responding like any normal human being would after being barraged with a list of complaints and criticisms and disrespected.

There’s no way to sugarcoat it. As gentle and sophisticated as I imagined my communication to be, criticism and control wrapped up in my sweet words and a gentle tone was still criticism and control. I was hurting him just the same.

Thankfully, I’ve come a long way, and my husband and I now talk openly and often. Now, I’m going to share with you five ways you can improve your communication with your husband so you can actually feel heard and understood.

1. Gratitude For Better Communication In Your Marriage

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Viktor Frankl

Every single day, we have the freedom to choose the lens through which we see the world and our marriage. Without intentionality, the negative and critical lens can become our default all too easily.

To choose the positive lens takes focus and intention. Choosing this lens, in my experience, has made all the difference between a thriving marriage and an empty one.

If you can easily list 10 things wrong with your husband that you wish he would do differently, then I hate to break it to you, but it’s likely the lens you’re using is negative, like mine was.

The good news is, a negative lens is often blurred and dirty, which means the reality will appear much different once you make the choice to wipe it down. It’s not too late to make a new choice and swap out your lens.

I challenge you to find something you appreciate about your spouse every time a negative thought about them comes to mind. Think of 10 things you admire and appreciate about them. Then, take it a step further and start sharing your gratitude and admiration directly to them.

Doing this opened my heart, washed away my resentment, and brought an unexpected benefit—it wasn’t long before my husband started expressing his appreciation back to me!

In one study done by social psychologist Algoe at the University of North Caroline, it was found that when one partner expressed gratitude, both partners reported improved connection and relationship satisfaction the next day.

We all long to feel seen, needed, and appreciated. It’s time to throw out the scorecard and the comparison trap, and replace it with genuine appreciation for the man you chose to share your life with. I’m willing to bet you’ll discover hidden treasures.

2. Relinquishing Control As Part Of More Loving Communication With Your Husband

I thought I knew how to love. He was the one that needed to learn how to love me. If he would only spend more time with me, be more romantic, and save more money, then I would know he really loved me.

The only problem was, I didn't know what love meant at all. I was unable to love him just as he was, and was obsessed with the ways I wanted him to change. That wasn’t love. It was manipulation in an attempt to soothe my own anxiety and insecurities.

I analyzed everything he did and attached meaning to it. I made everything personal. I made everything about me. The result: I became a critical and controlling woman. I had something to say about everything he did and said. It’s no wonder he didn’t want to be around me much.

I speak to so many women who also struggle with letting go of control over their husbands. They want to comment, help, suggest, express, share... It’s natural and normal! The problem is, it’s a trap. Because the reality is we have absolutely no control over anybody except ourselves. We’re setting ourselves up for failure if we bring the false illusion into our marriage that we have the right to tell someone else how to think and act.

What I’ve learned is that love is not just a feeling. It’s so much more than that. Love is respecting the other person’s autonomy and accepting them just the way they are. It can feel scary and very vulnerable, but without relinquishing control, love cannot flourish.

For more loving communication, always check if there is even a touch of subtle control or criticism in what you’re saying. Are you implying that they are not measuring up? Are you trying to change them, or are you standing for their greatness?

3. Expressing Your Desires In A Way That Inspires Your Husband

Relinquishing control of your husband can feel terrifying, and you might fear that you’ll never have your desires met in the relationship. That’s where expressing your desires in a way that inspires comes in. This can be lots of fun!

If you had a magic wand and weren’t held back by fear, what would you want? Would you want to take a trip to Italy, try the new restaurant in town, a new pair of shoes, to go back to school, or be a stay-at-home mom? Anything goes!

Once you know your desire, you can express it in a way that inspires by saying to your husband, “I would love…” and you fill in the blank. The key here is to not tell him what he needs to do, only to share what would make you happy. Then, let go of the expectation. If you get your desire—amazing! If you don’t, think of it as you exercising your vulnerability by honoring and stating your desires. This is a great way to share with your husband in a very clear and inspiring way how he can make you happy and feel loved. You’re giving him the opportunity to be your hero and to feel proud of making your desires come true!

4. Borrowing His Brain and Igniting Your Husband's Hero Gene Instead Of Creating Walls

When you ask a man to borrow his brain, he gets to do what men love—solve a problem for you. You’ll get to feel supported and taken care of, while he’ll get to feel proud about how he helped you. Win-win!

For example, if there’s something you’ve been mulling over in your head, ask for his input. You might say, “I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to organize the garage, and I'd love to borrow your brain?” Then, take his suggestion seriously and thank him for his help.

Research shows that men often derive a sense of satisfaction and pride from solving problems and being helpful, which can enhance their sense of purpose and connection within the relationship.

So give it a go! What can you borrow your husband's brain for and create an opportunity for him to be your hero?

5. Respect: Listening and Empathizing During Communication

I speak to so many wives who feel attacked or criticized by their husbands. They often take the bait and get defensive, desperately trying to make their husband see their point of view and understand them. Unfortunately, this just doesn’t work. Two defensive people NEVER equal connection and understanding. 

Instead, practice bringing friendship back into the relationship. Imagine that your husband is talking to you as a friend. Even if he’s complaining about you, pretend that he’s complaining about his wife (and she isn’t you). Why? Lending a neutral ear by removing your defenses will help you hear him with compassion and empathy, and may help you see his perspective without feeling defensive, hurt, or angry. 

When men repeat the same complaints over and over again, it’s often because they haven’t felt heard. Deeply listening and practicing empathy can be a precious and loving gift that can help both of you to move forward and connect more deeply. 

It can be really hard to extend compassion and empathy if you feel like you’re not receiving any yourself. That’s why for me, it was crucial for me to know why respect was so important to me. This isn’t just a means to an end for better communication. Listening and empathizing with my husband is about being the woman I want to be- for me. I want to hold my head high and feel proud of the person I am, and I can’t do that when I’m disrespectful, defensive, and unwilling to listen with empathy. 

What would it look like for you to listen and empathize with your husband just 1% more deeply?

Moving Forward With Open and Connecting Communication In Your Marriage

While every marriage is unique, I hope that sharing what I’ve learned can help you navigate the communication in yours more positively, with greater confidence and connection.

The key takeaways from this post are meant to serve as a guide and a source of encouragement. Hopefully, by reading my experience beforehand, you can better prepare yourself and avoid some of the common communication pitfalls that many encounter.

Remember, it’s perfectly okay to make mistakes and learn along the way. What matters most is applying these lessons and continuing to grow from your experiences.

And if you need further advice, feel free to download my free guide: 5 Steps To Reignite Connection In Your Marriage. I’m here to support you on your journey and help you create a deeply connected and happy marriage.

Here’s to applying these lessons and deepening your communication in your marriage with newfound clarity and empowerment.🥂

Xo, Laura Amador

PS: If you want more help along the way, schedule a complementary Relationship Assessment with me, and we can explore if private coaching might be a good fit for you! I look forward to meeting you!