Avoidant, Anxious, or Secure? How Your Attachment Style Shapes Your Marriage—And What to Do About It

Have you ever thought, Why do I feel like I love him more than he loves me? Or, Why do I crave more closeness—while he seems fine with the distance?

You might find yourself wanting more quality time, affection, or reassurance… while your husband seems emotionally unavailable, disconnected, or even cold at times. Or maybe you’re the one who pulls away when things get intense, while your husband clings tighter, trying to get through to you.

If any of this feels familiar, attachment theory might help you understand your relationship on a much deeper level—and offer hope for the kind of loving connection you crave.

As a Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach, I help women learn how to feel cherished, safe, and desired—without needing to chase, nag, or beg for their husband’s love and affection. And over the last few years, I’ve found that understanding how attachment patterns show up in marriage can be very insightful and encouraging. Because patterns after all, are just that- patterns. And they don’t need to define the quality of the connection in your marriage if you know how to navigate them.

Let's dive into how attachment style shapes marriage.

Avoidant, anxious, or secure? how your attachment style shapes your marriage—and what to do about it

What is attachment style and why does it matter?

Attachment style is a way of understanding the patterns that shape how we connect, communicate, and respond to closeness in our most important relationships—especially with our spouse.

Originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby, attachment theory helps explain why we react the way we do when we feel disconnected, misunderstood, or emotionally threatened. These patterns often stem from our early experiences with love, safety, and trust, but the good news is—they’re not fixed. They’re more like a starting point, not a life sentence.

Most people fall into one of the following three categories (though it's totally normal to see yourself in more than one at times):

• Anxious Attachment: You long for closeness and deep emotional connection, but at the same time, you may fear rejection, abandonment, or not being "enough." This can lead to overthinking, people-pleasing, or trying to earn love by giving more than you receive.

  
  

• Avoidant Attachment: You value independence and may feel smothered, overwhelmed, or shut down by intense emotional needs—yours or your partner’s. You might withdraw, go silent, or struggle to share your feelings, even when you care deeply.

  
  

• Secure Attachment: You feel comfortable with both closeness and space. You trust others and yourself in relationships, and you're generally able to communicate needs and feelings without fear or defensiveness.

  
  

If you’ve ever wondered, “Why does it feel like we’re never on the same page?” or “Why do we keep having the same problems in our marriage?”—understanding your attachment style (and your husband’s) can be a total lightbulb moment.

It’s not about blaming or labeling. It’s about awareness—and freedom. When you understand your natural tendencies, you can stop taking things so personally, meet your emotional needs in nurturing ways, and create a marriage that feels safe, playful, and connected.

No matter your style, deeper connection is possible—and it starts with compassion for where you are and curiosity about what’s possible. 

Anxious attachment: longing for closeness

If you identify with an anxious attachment style, chances are you feel things deeply. You love with your whole heart and crave emotional closeness and reassurance in your marriage. That desire for connection is a beautiful strength—but at times, it can feel like a heavy weight to carry.

You might often notice yourself:

• Worrying that your husband is pulling away or losing interest

• Feeling like you’re “too much” or somehow “not enough”

• Wanting frequent connection, quality time, or more emotional check-ins

• Overthinking texts, gestures, or tone of voice

• Feeling rejected when he needs space—even if nothing’s wrong

These feelings can be intense, especially when your husband is more secure or avoidantly attached. What you experience as a loving bid for connection may feel like pressure or control to him, and instead of moving closer, he might retreat—leaving you feeling even more alone.

But here’s the truth: you don't need to stay stuck in this pattern. When your desire for connection is channeled with self-love and grace, it can create profound intimacy in your relationship.

What You Might Shine At (if You Lean Anxious)

• You care deeply and are emotionally intuitive

• You’re loyal and committed to your relationship

• You value closeness, connection, and emotional depth

• You’re willing to work on things and grow—your heart is all in

  
  

Challenges that can arise

• You may unintentionally chase, fix, or over-function to feel close

• Fear of rejection can lead to insecurity, conflict, or withdrawal

• You might abandon your own peace or boundaries trying to “earn” love

• You may believe connection has to be pursued, not received

  
  

Balancing your anxious attachment

• Shift from pressure to invitation. Instead of asking, “Why are you distant?” or “Do you even want to be with me?” try softly expressing a desire: “I really miss you.” “I feel so safe when you hold me.” Vulnerability opens the door for connection. When you share your desires with warmth instead of urgency, he feels safer to lean in.

  
  

• Meet your own emotional needs first. Your longing for connection is valid—but when you nurture and center yourself first, you can come from a place of openness and confidence, rather than neediness and fear. Gentle practices like journaling, prayer, dancing, or a short walk can regulate your nervous system and help you return to your partner with a calm heart. You are already lovable, exactly as you are.

  
  

• Find his heart messages. He may not express affection in the ways you crave (yet), but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Maybe he fixed the leaky faucet, remembered your favorite snack, or works long hours to provide for you. Look for love in action, even if it’s quiet. When you start seeing it, it starts growing.

  
  

• Practice receiving without controlling. When you express a desire and then give him space to respond in his own way and on his own timeline, you create room for genuine, heartfelt connection. That’s when the magic happens.

You don’t have to change who you are or deny you hear what it longs for—you just need tools that honor your heart and support emotional safety for both of you. The more you create calm within, the more room there is for him to come close.

Even if he’s avoidant or slow to open up, your steady, open-hearted presence can invite him in—without chasing, fixing, or proving your worth.

You were made for love like this.

Download my free guide: 5 Steps To Reignite Connection In Your Marriage

Avoidant attachment

If you lean toward avoidant attachment, you might feel most at peace when things are calm, spacious, and emotionally low-pressure. Intense closeness can feel overwhelming—even when you love your partner deeply.

You may find yourself:

• Shutting down or wanting to escape when emotions run high

• Wanting to fix or “solve” emotional moments instead of staying in them

• Feeling guilty for needing time alone but unsure how to explain why

• Walking on eggshells around emotional conversations—or avoiding them altogether

You’re not cold or uncaring. In fact, you likely care a lot. You just feel safest when your inner world isn’t being poked or pried into, especially if you’ve learned early on that vulnerability wasn’t always safe or welcomed.

It’s not that you don’t want connection—you just need it on your terms, with room to breathe. And that’s okay.

What You Might Shine At (if You Lean Avoidant)

• You can be steady, thoughtful, and reliable in a crisis

• You value independence and respect others’ autonomy

• You can bring calm, logic, and long-term perspective to your marriage

• You don’t depend on others to meet all your emotional needs

These are gifts that can create incredible balance in a relationship—especially when paired with a partner who values emotional depth.

Challenges That Can Arise

• You may find it difficult to share emotions vulnerably or express your desires

• Your need for space can feel confusing or even painful to your spouse

• You might shut down or pull away right when deeper connection is needed most

• You may protect your heart so tightly that it becomes hard for your spouse to feel your love

If your spouse is more anxiously attached, your withdrawal may feel like rejection, even if that’s not your intention. They may pursue you for closeness, not realizing that what feels connecting to them might feel overwhelming to you.

The good news? There are gentle, doable ways to bridge the gap—without sacrificing your emotional needs and limits. 

Balancing your avoidant attachment

• Honor your limits and needs It's okay to step back to reset your nervous system. Instead of disappearing or going silent, try something like: “I love you, and I just need a few minutes to clear my head. I’ll come find you when I’ve had a moment.” This signals connection and gives you breathing room—without running away or avoiding a challenging situation.

  
  

• Open the door to your inner world with baby steps. Vulnerability doesn’t have to mean pouring your heart out. It can start with a soft, simple moment: “I missed you today.” “Thanks for sitting with me—I like being near you.” These micro-moments build trust without feeling invasive.

  
  

• Let go of thinking you need to (or can) fix everything. Even if you don’t have the words, just staying close physically—sitting next to your husband, holding a hand, or listening without fixing—can go a long way. You don’t have to solve his emotions to show you care. Sometimes a loving “I hear you” is the best way to show your care.

  
  

• Hold space with curiosity, not defensiveness. When your husband is emotional, you don’t have to take on their feelings as your fault. Try saying: “I care about what you think.” “I respect you and I hear you.” This kind of calm presence creates connection without compromising your own peace.

It’s possible to feel emotionally safe and deeply connected. You don’t have to trade one for the other. When you honor your needs and limits, and gently show up with curiosity and care, you create an environment where both you and your husband can feel seen, respected, and emotionally safe.

When you learn how to soften your defenses and share from your true heart, your relationship can blossom in ways that feel freeing, not heavy.

You’re not too distant. You’re not broken. You’re learning how to stay close—without losing yourself.

Secure attachment: balanced and open

If you resonate with secure attachment, you likely feel comfortable giving and receiving love without losing yourself in the process. You’re able to navigate closeness and space with ease, trust your partner’s intentions, and weather challenges without spiraling into fear or withdrawal.

You may notice that you:

• Can express your feelings clearly, without blaming or shaming

• Enjoy time together but also appreciate independence

• Recover from conflict without resentment lingering

• Trust that your relationship is fundamentally safe, even in hard moments

This doesn’t mean you never feel hurt or frustrated—it means you’ve likely developed the inner tools to soothe yourself, repair with love, and stay grounded in connection.

What You Might Shine At

• You’re dependable and emotionally present

• You listen without panicking or needing to control

• You create an environment of safety, consistency, and emotional availability

• You’re open to repair, compromise, and deeper intimacy

These qualities are foundational to a thriving marriage. Your secure presence can be a calming, steadying influence in times of stress or disconnection—especially if your partner tends toward anxious or avoidant patterns.

Challenges That Can Arise

Even with a secure foundation, relationships aren’t always simple—especially if your partner has a different attachment style.

You may find that you:

• Feel confused by your partner’s emotional ups and downs

• Try to “fix” problems quickly to avoid tension

• Overfunction in the relationship, taking on more emotional responsibility than is yours

• Feel hurt or frustrated when your steady love isn’t met with the same consistency

  
  

It can feel disorienting to be calm and open, while your partner withdraws (like an avoidant) or anxiously seeks constant reassurance. You might feel tempted to manage their emotions or bend your boundaries just to keep the peace.

Creating More Balance In Your Marriage

• Stay anchored in your own emotional safety. You don’t have to ride the emotional rollercoaster or try to regulate anyone else’s feelings. The most powerful gift you can offer yourself and others is your grounded presence. Focus on your own peace, knowing that calm is contagious. What do you desire? What brings you joy? When you shift from managing the relationship to showing up in your joy, you invite connection from a place of inspiration—not pressure.

  
  

• Trust in the power of setting the tone. As a secure partner, you have a opportunity to model calm communication, trust, and self-respect. That doesn’t mean doing all the emotional work—it means gently influencing the tone and energy of your relationship by staying aligned with your own values and desires.

  
  

• Practice the Intimacy Skills to deepen connection. Expressing desires in a way that’s inspiring (“I would love some roses and chocolates”)… receiving your partner’s efforts with gratitude… taking exquisite care of yourself—these are all ways to deepen emotional safety and attraction, no matter your or your partner’s attachment style.

Not broken, just growing

No matter how you or your husband show up in your attachment styles, you can have a deeply connected, passionate, and respectful marriage. You don’t have to change him. You don’t have to fight for love. And you don’t need to become a version of yourself you don’t recognize.

As a certified Laura Doyle relationship coach, I’ve witnessed time and time again that when a woman begins to shift her focus—toward her desires, her self-care, her joy, and her own inner safety—everything in the relationship changes.

Yes, even if he’s avoidant. Yes, even if you’re anxious. Yes, even if things have felt disconnected for a long time.

5 powerful tips for creating connection and emotional safety—no matter what your (or his) attachment style is

No matter how you or your husband show up in love—whether anxious, avoidant, or secure—emotional safety is the soil where deep connection grows. And the beautiful truth? You don’t have to change him to feel loved. You have so much power to shape the energy of your marriage just by turning inward with intention, softness, and strength.

Here’s how:

1. Practice self-care like it’s your job.

When you feel nourished, grounded, and full, you’re far less likely to chase love, feel resentful, or spiral in needless emotional turmoil. Your need for connection transforms into a magnetic desire. Instead of feeling like “too much,” your radiance becomes irresistible.

Try asking yourself daily: What would delight me today? What do I need to feel more like myself?

2. Celebrate what’s working—even the little things.

Gratitude shifts your focus from what’s lacking to what’s lovely. When you acknowledge what’s going well (“He called just to check in” or “He laughed at my joke”), you create a powerful emotional ripple. He feels appreciated, and you feel more connected. What you focus on does grow.

3. Express desires without pressure or criticism.

Instead of pointing out what’s missing (“You never want to spend time with me”), try gently stating what you do want and open up vulnerably:

“I’d love to go for a walk after dinner and I'd love to invite you” or “I miss your hugs.” This soft approach invites connection without triggering his defenses. It’s especially effective if your husband leans avoidant—or just doesn’t always know how to meet your emotional needs.

4. Let go of trying to fix or change him.

It’s tempting to overexplain, manage, or chase connection when it feels like he’s pulling away. But real intimacy doesn’t come from control—it comes from allowing space. When you stop trying to make him change, he has room to lean back in. The moment you redirect your energy inward, everything starts to shift.

5. Honor yourself and remain dignified

Whether you find yourself anxiously spiraling, over-explaining, chasing, or tempted to shut down and withdraw, one of the most powerful things you can do is stay aligned with the best version of yourself. Dignity is not about being cold or distant—it’s about honoring your worth, your limits, and your emotional well-being.

It’s a quiet kind of strength that says: I can love deeply and still protect my peace.

Here are some beautiful ways to honor your dignity in everyday moments:

• Say “I can’t” with grace. If you’re overwhelmed, overstretched, or saying yes just to keep the peace—pause. “I can’t, and I know you’ll figure it out.” Saying no from a place of self-respect creates more space for connection—not less.

• Resist the urge to chase. When you're craving reassurance or emotional closeness, it’s tempting to text again, ask “what’s wrong?” or "why can't you be more affectionate", or over-explain yourself. Instead, turn inward: Take a deep breath. Put on music. Write a desire down just for you. Go do something that reminds you of your beauty and strength. This doesn't mean pretending you don’t care—it means showing yourself the love you're longing to receive.

• Speak from your desires, not your fears. Fear might say: “Why don’t you want to spend time with me anymore?” Dignity says: “I miss spending time with you.” You’re still being emotionally honest—but in a way that honors your heart and invites him closer.

You don’t need to have the “perfect” attachment style to create a beautiful marriage. You just need the right tools, a soft heart, and the courage to lead with love—without losing yourself.

And the more you gently shift the dynamic, the more your husband is likely to respond in kind. You can set the tone of emotional connection in your marriage.

Shifting into receiving his love

You may have spent years chasing reassurance, avoiding conflict, or trying to “figure him out.” But here’s what I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart:

You don’t have to  be perfect.  

You don’t have to convince him to love you more. 

You don’t have to wait for him to change.

Your marriage can become safe, passionate, and connected—starting with the choices you make in your own heart and energy.

Attachment style may explain where you start… But it doesn't define how your love story ends.

Want to feel more desired and cherished—without begging for his attention and affection?

Download my free guide: 5 Steps to Reignite Connection In Your Marriage, and you’ll learn how to use the Intimacy Skills® to:

• Stop over-functioning in your marriage

• Invite more affection (without asking!)

• Feel more confident and centered—no matter how your husband responds

Your next chapter of love begins now.

Xoxo,

Laura Amador

Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach and Intimacy Skills Expert