5 Questions to Ask Yourself When You’re Comparing Your Marriage to Other Couples This Holiday Season

The holidays are a time of love, joy, and connection—or at least, that’s what it looks like when we scroll through social media or hear about other people's lives. Picture-perfect family photos, lavish gifts exchanged by glowing couples, and heartfelt posts about “the best husband ever” can leave you feeling like your own relationship is falling short. Add holiday gatherings where friends boast about their partners’ grand gestures, and it’s easy to find yourself quietly wondering: Why isn’t my husband more like that?

It’s painful. The shame of wondering where you went wrong—and if you’ll ever get to be truly happy—can be devastating. But as Theodore Roosevelt aptly said, “comparison is the thief of joy.” We all get to choose what we focus on, and what we focus on is always what increases. That’s why it’s crucial to pause and ask yourself the right questions when you feel comparison creeping in.

Why we fall into the comparison trap

The tendency to compare your marriage to others, especially during the holiday season, is deeply rooted in human psychology. Psychologists call this Social Comparison Theory, a concept that explains how we instinctively measure our lives against those around us to make sense of where we stand. This tendency can feel even stronger when we’re surrounded by festive photos, glowing social media posts, or couples who seem effortlessly happy and perfectly in sync.

But what we often forget is that we’re comparing our full, messy, beautifully real lives to someone else’s highlights, or only what they choose to show us. The truth is, every relationship has its challenges and triumphs, and your marriage has its own unique story—sometimes you just need to clear the fog off the glass to truly see it.

These five questions will help you shift your focus, reconnect with your marriage, and find joy this holiday season, no matter what others are doing.

5 questions to ask yourself when you’re comparing your marriage to other couples this holiday season

1. What do I truly desire that I think their marriage has?

Instead of staying stuck in comparison, dig deeper to identify what you’re yearning for—whether it’s more laughter, connection, or romance. Naming your desire gives you the power to create it in your own marriage without needing to measure up to anyone else. You may feel completely powerless, and perhaps even hopeless, when it comes to the state of your marriage. But you have a lot of power when it comes to setting the tone in your relationship, which can create a whole new dynamic- one that's a lot more fun, tender, and intimate.

For example, if you’re at a holiday party and notice another husband thoughtfully getting dessert for his wife, keeping his arms around her, and laughing at her jokes, pause and ask yourself: Is it the thoughtful gestures I want, or is it the feeling of being adored and connected, or both!? By identifying what you truly desire, you empower yourself to nurture those feelings within your own marriage, starting with small, loving actions that are entirely within your control.

2. What are the unique strengths of my marriage that I might be overlooking?

Every marriage has its own magic. It's the reason you're together in the first place. Reflect on the qualities, memories, and moments that make your relationship special—ones that others can’t necessarily see from the outside. Maybe your husband doesn’t post love letters on Facebook, but he shows his love by starting your car on cold mornings or making you laugh when you need it most.

Take a moment to pause and look for those quiet, consistent ways your marriage shines. Focusing on your strengths will remind you of the beauty that already exists in your relationship.

3. Am I comparing my “behind-the-scenes” to their “highlight reel”?

Remember, what you see on social media or at gatherings is often a polished version of someone’s life. No marriage is perfect, and everyone faces challenges behind closed doors. While you may see a friend’s husband presenting a sparkling gift, you don’t see their private disagreements or their struggles to stay connected.

Ask yourself: What is it that I value most about my marriage, and why does this relationship matter to me? Instead of focusing on someone else’s filtered moments, reconnect with the deeper purpose of your marriage—whether it’s the family you’ve built together, the ways you support each other, or the growth you’ve experienced as a couple. When you anchor yourself in your ‘why,’ it becomes easier to see the beauty and potential in your own love story.

4. How can I shift from comparison to gratitude for what I already have?

When comparison creeps in, pause and intentionally notice what you appreciate about your husband and marriage. Gratitude shifts your focus from lack to love. Ask yourself: What are three things about my husband or our relationship that I’m thankful for right now?

For me, this simple practice was transformative. I once caught myself wishing my husband would plan grand surprises like someone else’s spouse. But when I paused and reflected, I realized how much he already does—like cooking up a delicious meal several days per week and making pancakes for the kids on weekends so I can sleep in. Gratitude shifted my heart from resentment to connection.

5. What small, loving step can I take today to nurture my connection with my husband?

Comparison drains energy, but taking even one step toward connection can replace comparison with intimacy. Ask yourself: What’s one small, loving action I can take today to move closer to the relationship I want?

For example, you might greet your husband with warmth and a smile, express appreciation for something he does well, or simply hold his hand while watching a show. Small, intentional moments add up to create deeper connection—for your own joy and peace. When you take loving actions with no expectations, you naturally create space for connection to blossom, all while staying rooted in what’s within your control.

Whenever I’m feeling stuck in comparison, I anchor myself back to this question: How can I show up with love and gratitude today? It reminds me that I have the power to nurture the marriage I desire, starting with my own actions.

A heartfelt gift idea for your husband

This holiday season, I would love to invite you to consider giving your husband a gift straight from your heart—a handwritten letter. Take some time to write out all the things you appreciate, admire, and love about him. Name the small moments he creates that make you smile, the ways he shows up for you and your family, and the qualities that make him the man you love. Share what you enjoy about your marriage and the memories you cherish most.

A heartfelt letter costs nothing but can mean everything. It’s a beautiful way to shift your focus to gratitude and celebrate the love that’s already present in your relationship.

Your path to a joyful and connected marriage

Comparison doesn’t have to steal your joy or connection. By asking yourself these five questions, you can shift your focus from what’s missing to what’s meaningful in your marriage. When you embrace your relationship for what it is—unique, imperfect, and full of potential—you create space for gratitude and deeper connection.

If you’re ready to take the next step toward a stronger, more fulfilling marriage, download my free guide: 5 Steps to Reignite Connection in Your Marriage. Or, if you’re ready for personalized support, learn more about my private coaching services. This could be the perfect gift you give yourself—and your relationship—this holiday season.

Wishing you love and joy,

Laura Amador

Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach and Intimacy Skills Expert