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  • Writer's pictureLaura Amador

Shopping for This 1 Thing Isn't Helping Your Marriage

Updated: Oct 12, 2022



Have you ever taken a peek through your husband’s phone to see who he’s been talking to? Have you ever ever looked through his computer to check out his search history? Or have you read through the bank statements to see what purchases he’s been making? Or popped into his work or his guy’s night unannounced to see what he’s really up to?


If you can relate to any of these, you're definitely not alone! And I bet there’s a reason you’re doing these things. I will bet you have probably been hurt and are afraid of being hurt again. You’re human, and wanting to protect your heart is normal!


Shopping for Pain


All of this detective work has a name. It's called shopping for pain. In my experience, shopping for pain has never done anything to help my marriage, my mood, my well being, or my state of mind. If I am looking for something to be disappointed about, you can bet that I will find it. No one is perfect. We all have parts of us that are dark, weak, and that can be disappointing. We get to choose what we’re going to focus on. We get to choose what kind of detectives to be.


Take Control of Your Experience


None of us can control what our husband’s do. Not really. We may get him to act a certain way with us (or not), but he otherwise chooses for himself. We cannot force anyone to change. They must do it on their own. But what we can control is our own experience of our lives.


So instead of giving in to that temptation to shop for pain (it can be hard to stop!), turn your attention inwards. In what way can you shift your experience? What can you do to take care of yourself and bring yourself some joy? This will be much better for you, and for your marriage in the long run. Giving him the space to be human may be just what he needs. To love and accept someone just as they are may be the biggest gift we can give anyone. And taking great care of you may be the kindest thing you can do for yourself.


Be a Detective for the Good


So the next time you find yourself itching to search for evidence that your husband is going to disappoint you, search for evidence of the good in him instead. This is hard, I get it. You may think there is nothing there to find. But if you give it a shot, you may just find that humility, empathy, and appreciation begin to resurface in your heart for your husband.


What do you think about shopping for pain? Post your thoughts below, I’d love to hear!


Sign up and find out the 5 Mistakes Wives Make. Also, you can join the private Facebook group: From Lonely to Lovebirds to get inspiration and encouragement as you become empowered in your marriage. I’d love to have you in the community!

I'm standing for you as always!


-Coach Laura


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