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Now more than ever, women feel pulled in all directions, struggling under immense pressure to excel in every aspect of their lives.
Women today strive to be the best mom, employee, wife, friend, daughter, sister, chef, and housekeeper. It can be draining and overwhelming, and the worst part is that we often expect ourselves to juggle it all while maintaining a constant aura of fun and lightness. Is that even humanly possible? Can you relate?
According to the American Psychological Foundation, women feel stressed, misunderstood, and alone. Therapist Caldwell-Harvey noted, “... many report feeling that their male partners are not shouldering an equal share of these responsibilities, which exacerbates their frustration, stress levels, and overall well-being, significantly impacting their mental health.”
It’s exhausting, stressful, and defeating when you realize you can’t do it all and still be relaxed, present, and happy when it matters most. Isn’t it heartbreaking that our loved ones are usually the ones who get the worst of us?
If you can relate, it’s not your fault! In fact, you probably feel overwhelmed and stressed because you’re trying so hard to be the best you can be for everyone who needs you. But I’m here to tell you that there’s another way.
It’s no wonder so many women harbor resentment towards their husbands when they feel overworked, unsupported, and completely unappreciated.
It’s devastating how common this is. Over the years, I’ve learned from my own marriage and from coaching women that there are five keys to getting more help and appreciation from your husband. By applying these, you’ll be able to feel a lot less stressed and much more relaxed and supported.
I’ll share them all in this blog post. Whether you’re a completely overwhelmed working mom for example, or you just wish your husband would help you out more, I hope these nuggets of wisdom can help you avoid some of the pitfalls I encountered and make your marriage feel more supportive and caring.
My Husband Expects Me To Do Everything: 5 Keys To Getting More Help And Appreciation
1. If You Want More Help From Your Husband, First Take a Look at What You’ve Already Placed on Your Plate
Years ago, I had RSVP’d our daughter to two back-to-back birthday parties. Being an introvert who often runs late, I was feeling stressed! The day came, and after a long week of work, I hadn’t had the chance to buy gifts yet. So, I asked my husband if he could watch our daughter so I could run a quick Target run to pick up the gifts.
I was not prepared for him to say that actually, he couldn’t. I looked over at his agenda and judged that from where I was standing, he absolutely could. I was frustrated and resentful. Why couldn’t he just help me out?
The truth is, I had expectations. Although my words had been a question, I hadn’t been asking him for help at all. It had been a cleverly disguised demand heavy with expectations. There was control beneath my words, and when he didn’t do what I wanted him to do, I was upset.
But you know whose fault my resentment was? It was mine.
I had been the one who agreed to two back-to-back kids' parties when I knew it would be too much for me. I had been the one that took on more than I could handle. This was a familiar pattern for me—I was taking on more than I could handle all the time. And who paid for that? My daughter, when I got snappy and rushed her to get in the car. My husband, when I got upset that he wouldn’t drop everything he was doing to rescue me from my own mess. And me, because I was constantly stressed and overwhelmed.
It didn’t end there. My plate was jam-packed with things I “had to do.” As much as I wanted and expected my husband to help me with the burden I had created, that wasn’t his job. It was my responsibility to look at everything I had accumulated on my plate and learn some boundaries. I needed to learn how to say, “I can’t” to everything that was causing me stress and resentment.
I started to say, “I can’t” to absolutely everything that would overwhelm or deplete me. This meant if my husband asked me to stop at the store and grab him some groceries, but I had a crying baby in the back seat and a cranky toddler, that was an “I can’t.” If I had planned to make dinner but the day had been long and exhausting, cooking became an “I can’t,” and I served quesadillas and watermelon instead. This wasn’t about shirking responsibilities—it was about recognizing my limits and prioritizing my well-being.
After I had everything I was doing in a day written down, I was shocked by what I discovered. I had accumulated so many tasks on my to-do list that felt urgent and important, but were actually not serving me, my family, or my relationship in any real way. I was drowning in busy work, and the urgency of it made me feel stressed and anxious all the time.
I decided to cut my daily to-do list in half, with the intention of reducing my stress and resentment. So, I chopped away at anything that wasn’t absolutely necessary for me to do and that was going to directly contribute to my joy. I was ruthless.
This was my criteria for what was allowed to remain on my to-do list:
It gave me joy
It wasn’t going to deplete me
It wasn’t going to make me resentful afterward
This approach transformed my life. I realized that by saying “I can’t” to things that overwhelmed me, I was saying “I can” to things that truly mattered. I could be more present, more joyful, and more connected with my family.
I invite you to sit down and take a few minutes to write down everything you do that makes you feel stressed, overwhelmed, and resentful. Really ask yourself:
What is it costing me to continue doing all of this and burning myself out?
Is doing this really worth what it's costing me?
What are some things that you can start to say "I can't" to today?
2. Teach Others How to Treat You by Treating Yourself Well and Prioritizing Self-Care
One of the most powerful ways to get more help and appreciation from your husband is to teach him—and everyone else in your life—how to treat you by treating yourself well. This is how you set the tone in your relationship. When you prioritize your self-care and get clear about what as an “I can’t” for you, you send a clear message: you value your peace and happiness, and others should too.
This concept is simple but profound: when you take care of yourself, you not only feel better, but you also model the behavior you want from others. It’s about setting a standard for your life and experiences, and it starts with you.
Here’s why this matters: If you’re constantly running on empty, pushing through exhaustion, and neglecting your own needs, you’re communicating that your well-being is not a priority. Over time, this can lead to a cycle where you feel unappreciated, unsupported, and resentful.
But when you take the time to care for yourself—whether that’s taking a break when you need it, saying “I can’t” to overwhelming demands, or simply making space for things that bring you joy—you demonstrate self-respect. This, in turn, inspires your husband to appreciate and support you too.
For example, if I caught myself resenting that my husband was relaxing on the couch while I was cleaning and managing the kids, I learned to pause and ask myself what I needed at that moment. Instead of getting angry at him, I could choose to give myself some self-care when I needed it the most—when I was feeling frazzled. Whether it was taking a quick break, sitting down with a cup of tea, or simply giving myself permission to rest, this small act of self-compassion made a huge difference.
Then, when I felt relaxed and recharged, I could express my desire for some help with the tidying in a way that was dignified and respectful. By prioritizing my own needs instead of giving my to-do list full reign over my mood and life, I was able to approach each situation with a positive mindset and avoid unnecessary conflict.
Here are some actionable steps and tips to prioritize your self-care and honor yourself:
Identify Your Self-Care Non-Negotiables: Determine what you need to feel balanced and happy. This might include regular exercise, time alone, or a hobby that brings you joy. Make these non-negotiables in your schedule, and honor them as essential to your well-being.
Get Crystal Clear About What’s an “I can’t” for you so you have more time and energy for self-care: Communicate your limits clearly and kindly by simply saying “I can’t” to anything that will make you depleted or resentful. If you’re too tired to cook dinner after a long day, it’s okay to say, “I’m not up for cooking tonight; I’d love to order in or have something simple.”
Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, give yourself permission to step back and rest. Remember, you can’t and shouldn’t try to pour from an empty cup.
Express Your Desires In a Way That Inspires: Inspire your husband’s hero gene by sharing with him the end result of your desires. Leaving out the how and when it’s done will help you remove any uninspiring control and expectations, making your desires much more inspiring! (more on this below)
Express Gratitude and Appreciation: When your husband does step up to help, acknowledge and appreciate his efforts. Receiving graciously will make you more magnetic and encourage him to help you more in the future. (more on this below)
By treating yourself with care and respect, you set the tone for how others will treat you. You create an environment where help and appreciation flow naturally, without the need for resentment or frustration.
3. Get More Help by Inspiring Your Husband’s Hero Gene
One of the biggest obstacles to getting more help from your husband is our own desire to control everything. I used to think that if I didn’t do something myself, it wouldn’t be done right. But over time, I realized that this mindset was not only exhausting, but also unfair to my husband. Time and time again, I rejected his attempts to help when he "wasn't doing it right", until he simply stopped offering to help me at all.
Here’s what to do instead to start getting more help:
Express Gratitude for the Help You Already Get: When your husband does help, make sure to acknowledge it and express genuine gratitude. This positive reinforcement can encourage more of the behavior you appreciate.
Relinquish Control And Choose Trust: Trust that your husband is capable of handling tasks, even if he does them differently than you would. Let go of the need for things to be done your way.
Use Positive Reinforcement with a spouse-fulfilling prophecy: When your husband does something helpful, reinforce it with positive feedback. This is finding evidence for what you want to experience more of. For example, say, “I really appreciate how organized you are with the kids’ schedules. It makes such a difference.”
3. Get More Help by Expressing Your Desires in a Way That Inspires
If you want more help from your husband, the way you communicate your needs can make all the difference. Instead of commanding or micromanaging, try expressing your desires in a way that inspires him to step up.
For example, rather than saying, “I cooked so you need to clean the kitchen,” try expressing it as a desire: “I would love a clean kitchen.” This subtle shift allows you to share what you want without dictating how or when it should be done. It gives him the space and opportunity to be your hero, stepping in to help in a way that feels natural and appreciated.
The key here is not to tell your husband what he needs to do, because then you've just given and command, not expressed your pure desire. Instead, just share the end result of what you want without telling him a step-by-step when and how to do it. Trust that he is a capable man, and that he wants you to feel supported and happy.
Here are some more examples of pure desires that inspire:
I would love a clean car
I would love a clear entryway
I would love to declutter
4. Try a Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy
Another powerful approach is using the "spouse-fulfilling prophecy." By affirming the strengths you already see in him, you encourage more of the behavior you appreciate. For instance, saying things like, “We make such a great team,” or “You’re so great at taking care of the yard and fixing things,” can inspire him to contribute even more and in new ways. These positive reinforcements can lead to a more supportive and harmonious relationship where you both feel valued and you feel supported.
To find your spouse-fulfilling prophecy, you'll first need to find your complaint. Let's say yours is, "my husband is so lazy and never helps around the house". Now, you can flip it upside down. In this example, the spouse-fulfilling prophecy would be, "my husband is so motivated and always helps me around the house!"
If it feels like a complete lie at first, that's fine. I invite you to look for 5 pieces of evidence that support your new spouse-fulfilling prophecy. I'm willing to bet that if you look hard enough, you'll find them! Now, you can start speaking into him what you want to experience more of, and sit back and enjoy all the help you'll be getting around the house soon!
5. Get More Appreciation
I used to iron my husband’s clothes before he went to work, and I felt annoyed that he never thanked me for that. I hadn’t realized at the time that there were lot’s of things I had never thanked him for either. As I gave more genuine appreciation, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it wasn’t long before I also started receiving more appreciation from my husband.
Appreciation is a two-way street. If you want to feel more appreciated, start by appreciating your husband. When you make an effort to notice and acknowledge the things he does, you create a positive feedback loop in your relationship.
Ways to show appreciation:
Notice the small things your husband does and thank him.
Express appreciation in different ways—verbally, through small gestures, or even in a heartfelt note.
Avoid complaining or criticizing, as this can undermine the positive effects of appreciation.
Biggest Mistakes to Avoid
When trying to get more help and appreciation from your husband, there are a few common pitfalls that can backfire.
Avoid these mistakes:
Complaining: This often comes across as nagging and can lead to defensiveness rather than cooperation.
Criticizing: Criticism can create resentment and make your husband less inclined to help.
Delegating: Simply assigning tasks can feel like a demand rather than a request and reinforce a mother-son dynamic rather than the dynamic between two lovers
Keeping Score: Relationships aren’t about who does more; they’re about partnership. Focus on mutual support rather than tallying up contributions.
Instead, stick to your new and empowered approach:
Gratitude: Regularly express gratitude for what your husband does contribute. This fosters a positive atmosphere and encourages more of the behavior you want to see.
Conclusion
While every marriage journey is unique, I hope that sharing what I’ve learned can help you navigate yours more smoothly and with greater confidence.
The key takeaways from this post are meant to serve as a guide and a source of encouragement. By reading about my experiences, I hope you can better prepare yourself and understand that you have the power to transform your situation, starting with small steps.
If you’re ready to take the next step toward a more connected and fulfilling marriage, I have something special for you. Download my free guide, "5 Steps to Reignite Connection in Your Marriage." It’s a step-by-step map if you want to quickly and effectively bring back the intimacy and connection you’ve been missing.
And if you’re looking for personalized support, I’m offering a complimentary relationship assessment where we can dive into your unique challenges and create a tailored plan to help you achieve the marriage you desire. Don’t miss out on this opportunity—schedule your session today!
Xo,
Laura Amador
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