How to Be Happier in Your Marriage Without Waiting for Him to Change

19 hours ago

8 min read

How to Be Happier in Your Marriage Without Waiting for Him to Change

I have a little ritual I do at the beginning of every season that has absolutely nothing to do with my marriage, and yet I’ve noticed that it consistently makes my marriage better.

It isn’t a marriage exercise, a date-night idea, or a conversation with my husband about what we need to work on. Instead, I sit down and make a list of things I want to experience, enjoy, or do for myself during the coming season.

It’s a very simple practice, but I’ve found that it can be surprisingly powerful, especially during seasons when I notice that too much of my happiness has started to depend on how my marriage is going.

Because when you’re unhappy or disconnected in your marriage, it can be very easy to start looking almost exclusively at your husband for the solution.

You might find yourself thinking about what he is doing, what he isn’t doing, what you wish he would notice, how you wish he would communicate, or what you wish he would change. You may start believing that once he becomes more affectionate, more attentive, more helpful, more romantic, or more emotionally available, you’ll finally be able to relax and enjoy your life again.

There may be things your husband genuinely needs to work on, and your feelings about your marriage matter. But there is an important question that can get lost when all of your attention is focused on him:

What do I want?

When Your Happiness Starts Depending on Your Marriage

Now let's dive into how to be happier in your marriage without waiting for him to change.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a loving, connected, happy marriage. In fact, that desire is often what brings women to relationship coaching in the first place.

The problem begins when the state of your marriage becomes the condition for whether you allow yourself to be happy.

When things between you and your husband feel good, you feel good. When he is distant, you're anxious. When he is affectionate, you feel secure. When he doesn't initiate, you feel rejected.

When he does something thoughtful, your whole day can feel brighter, and when he doesn't, it can feel as though the entire emotional atmosphere of your life has changed.

Over time, you can become incredibly attuned to your husband's behavior without realizing how much of your own life has started revolving around it.

You may spend so much time wondering what he is thinking, analyzing what he said, anticipating what he might do next, or wishing he would behave differently that you gradually stop checking in with yourself.

Instead of asking, “What would make today enjoyable for me?” you are asking, “Why isn't he making me happy?”

Instead of thinking about what you would love to experience this month, you're thinking about what your husband needs to do differently before you can feel better.

And that can leave you feeling powerless, because you've placed the key to your happiness in someone else's hands.

Start with my free guide: 3 Steps To Reignite Connection In Your Marriage

Imagine Having a North Star for Your Life

One of the ways I think about this is through the idea of a North Star.

At the beginning of a season, imagine choosing a North Star for yourself. You don't stare at it constantly, and you certainly don't spend every moment thinking about whether you're getting closer to it. You simply look up from time to time so that you can remember where you're going.

The rest of the time, you're living your life. I think we need something similar in marriage.

Life is full of things that can pull your attention away from yourself. There are children to care for, work to do, meals to make, laundry to fold, appointments to keep, and countless responsibilities that seem to appear out of nowhere. Then, on top of all of that, there is your marriage and everything you're experiencing within it.

If you're struggling in your relationship, your husband's behavior can become the loudest thing in the room. You start looking at him for clues about whether you're okay. You notice when he seems distant, when he doesn't initiate, when he comes home in a particular mood, or when he doesn't respond in the way you hoped he would.

Before long, you've stopped looking up.

You've stopped asking yourself what you actually want your life to feel like.

That's why I love creating a seasonal list of desires and self-care ideas. It gives me a reason to look away from everyone else's needs and expectations for a moment and remember that I have a life of my own to participate in.

Ask Yourself: What Do I Actually Want?

At the beginning of each season, I sit down and ask myself some very simple questions.

What do I actually want right now?

What would bring me joy?

What would I love to experience during this season of my life?

What sounds fun?

What sounds peaceful?

What have I been wishing I had more time for?

They aren't about productivity, self-improvement, or creating the perfect routine. They're simply an invitation to notice my own desires.

That distinction matters because women can become so accustomed to thinking about what everyone else needs that identifying what we want can feel surprisingly difficult.

Sometimes we need to practice wanting things again.

And the things on your list don't need to be extravagant. They don't have to involve a vacation, a spa day, or spending a lot of money. In fact, some of the things that bring the most joy are incredibly ordinary.

Maybe you want to sit outside with your coffee in the morning, you want to take a walk before the rest of the house wakes up, or you'd love to try a new exercise class, spend an afternoon reading, visit a beautiful place, bake something you've been craving, or take your kids somewhere you've been wanting to go.

The activity itself isn't really the point. The point is paying attention to yourself again.

My Fall Self-Care and Joy List

For this fall, I've made my own list of simple things I want to enjoy.

Self-Care:

20 minute workout
Morning dog walk
Family swim at the pool with kids
Sauna/hot tub
Stretching class at the gym
Phone calls with my best friend
Apple cider donuts & apple cider picnic with the kids
Making myself a nice breakfast
Read a few great books
Nature walks in the foliage
Listen to music
Calming yoga
Get a facial
Self-massage
Brunch with my sisters
Brunch with my best friends
Apple picking with my mom
Coffee outside in the morning chill
Hang out with my dog
Go to bed early!

Pure Desires:

A new table cloth, topped with fresh fall flowers and a scented candle
Some pretty couch pillows and throw blankets
Explore new museums & libraries with the kids
Eat hearty fall meals
Bake and eat pies
Big, beautiful Sunday breakfasts
To dress up for halloween with the kids
To see Outlander in concert
To go on a rail trail tandem bike ride
To decorate my home for fall!
Do some fall crafts with the kids (im thinking leaf sun catchers)
Cafe date with the kids
Date night with my husband
To sip wine during twilight fireside
Cute fall clothes
Some new sneakers

None of these things are life-changing. That's actually what I love about them.

Creating more happiness in your life doesn't necessarily require changing your circumstances dramatically. Sometimes it begins with noticing the small things that make you feel more alive and then deciding that those things are worth making room for.

You Have More Agency Over Your Happiness Than You Think

This is the deeper reason I believe this little seasonal ritual can have such a positive effect on a marriage.

You have agency in your own life.

Creating joy for yourself is both your birthright and your responsibility.

That doesn't mean your husband gets a free pass when there are legitimate problems in your marriage. It doesn't mean you should ignore behavior that hurts you, abandon your standards, or pretend everything is fine when it isn't.

Your husband's behavior matters. Your marriage matters. Your emotional experience within your marriage matters.

But your husband's behavior does not have to become the condition for whether you allow yourself to experience joy.

You can begin creating a life that feels good to you now.

You don't have to wait until your husband becomes more attentive. You don't have to wait until he communicates better. You don't have to wait until he finally understands what you've been trying to tell him. You don't have to wait until your marriage reaches some future version of perfection before you give yourself permission to enjoy your life.

You can look around at the life you have today and ask, “What can I create here?”

That question puts you back in the driver's seat.

Why Focusing on Your Own Happiness Can Help Your Marriage

This might seem counterintuitive, especially if you're coming to this article because you want to improve your marriage.

But one of the reasons creating more happiness in your own life can improve your relationship is that you aren't asking your husband to carry the entire weight of your emotional experience.

When you have interests, desires, experiences, and things you're genuinely excited about, you bring more of yourself into your marriage. You have more stories to tell, more energy to share, more things you're looking forward to, and more aliveness to bring into the relationship.

You're not withdrawing from your marriage. You're bringing more life into it.

And there's something else that can happen, too: when you're no longer monitoring your husband's behavior all day to determine whether you're okay, the energy between you can begin to change.

Instead of constantly trying to get a particular response from him, you can become more present with the life you're actually living.

Instead of waiting for him to create the happiness you want, you begin creating some of it yourself.

Happy people have happier marriages.

That doesn't mean happiness solves every marriage problem. It doesn't.

It means that when you cultivate more joy, energy, and fulfillment in your own life, you're more likely to bring those qualities into your relationship as well.

Your Husband Doesn't Have to Change Before You Can Be Happy

If you're struggling in your marriage right now, I don't want you to interpret this as another thing you're supposed to do perfectly.

You are reclaiming something that may have gotten lost somewhere along the way: your life belongs to you.

You can love your husband and stop making him responsible for creating your happiness.

So as you move into this next season, I encourage you to make your own list.

Find a quiet moment and ask yourself what you actually want. Think about the experiences that would make this season feel more enjoyable, peaceful, exciting, cozy, beautiful, or meaningful.

Then choose a few of those self-care things and make room for them in your real life. And choose a few pure desires and start to share them outloud (and without expectations) to your husband.