Why You Don’t Feel Like You Can Be Yourself Around Your Husband
Updated: Oct 14
I Feel Like I Can't Be Myself Around My Husband
I didn’t have the words for it at the time, but eventually I realized: I felt like I couldn’t be myself around my husband because I was so busy monitoring whether I was doing marriage “right.” And strangely enough, that realization began with a pattern I’d had for most of my life.
The Pendulum Pattern
I have lived on the far sides of the pendulum for a lot of my life.
As a child, my room was either spotless or questionably livable.
During teen-hood, I might devour a box of cookies one day, then live on celery and water the next five.
I bathed in scolding hot showers until I discovered cold plunges in my twenties.
One extreme to the next..
I did the same with my relationship.. The one with my husband (and with myself).
From No Relationship Skills To Peace
I got married at 22 and was completely green with naivety and inexperience.
Having no relational or communication skills, and very little self-awareness, the early days of our marriage were challenging.
But I’ve always been an A+ student, and when I don’t understand something, I go out in search of the answers.
This kick started my self-help era. I felt like I was finally learning all the secrets of the universe:
That I can control no one except myself.
That I am responsible for my own happiness.
That criticizing, blaming, and judging my spouse will of course create distance between us (duh!).
That I get to decide if I want to look at life through a lens of lack or abundance.
And that what I focus on is what grows.
I will forever be grateful for these important lessons.
My marriage improved exponentially. As did all my other relationships!
I felt calm, confident, and wise.
When Relationship Advice Became a Rulebook
But as I was swinging away from trying to control everything outside of myself, I started swinging hard into the other extreme- becoming rigidly controlling with myself. (If that was all I could control, then I was going to control the heck out of it!)
But if I’m being completely honest with you… I had become so rigid with following all the self-help rules I’d learned, because they made me feel safe. They offered me a different, less obvious sense of control, but a sense of control and safety nonetheless.
I thought, “If I can control myself perfectly and get everything just right.. Then I can influence the outcome.”
If I input x, the output should be y.
And a lot of the times.. It worked!
But my marriage is not a formula. And I realized that in becoming so good at following formulas, I had failed to develop any real sense of self-trust.
What I realized next was a reckoning.
I had been trying to control my marriage in a way that felt so sophisticated, self-aware, and advanced, that I had been able to fool myself for years into thinking I wasn’t.
The reality was.. I was still operating out of fear. Except now, the fear was that I would mess up.
It’s painful to admit that I had so little faith at the time.. I was still holding onto the fear that if I wasn’t the perfect wife, our connection would break.
You Shouldn’t Have to Lose Yourself to Have a Connected Marriage
But I didn’t want a marriage that depended on my perfection. I wanted one that could withstand both of our humanity.
I had swung from the far end of the pendulum where I had no relationship skills whatsoever, to the other side where I policed myself daily to make sure I was living by the rules.
Am I saying it right? Am I being too sensitive? Whatever he wants is fine.
My inability to trust myself frightened me.. And made me wonder: how much of ME is actually in this marriage?
After that realization, the swinging began to slow and continued to slow over the following years, finally finding its center, nestled between authenticity and emotional safety.
I have spent the last several years gathering the lessons from both extremes in order to find a healthier middle.
How to Reconnect With Your Husband Without Losing Yourself
What I’ve learned is that I don’t need to choose between:
Myself or my marriage. It’s both.
Authenticity or connection. I can have both.
Acceptance or standards. Wisdom allows for both.
Skills or self-trust. I need both!
His humanity or mine. BOTH.
A pendulum doesn’t find its center with rigidity or a forced stop.
Self-awareness, acceptance, and time are what finally bring it to its natural resting point. The calm, quiet center.
And that is a Beautiful place to be.
Not Sure What’s Blocking Connection in Your Marriage?
If you’re reading this and thinking, “I know I want to feel closer to my husband, but I honestly don’t know what’s getting in the way,” that’s where I’d start.
Not by trying harder. Not by finding another relationship rule to follow perfectly.
Start by getting curious about what’s actually standing between you and the connection you want.
I created the Connection Blocks Assessment to help you identify what may be blocking deeper connection in your marriage, and give you clarity on where to focus next.
Because you don’t need to become the perfect wife. You need a path toward deeper connection that has room for both of you.
Xo,
Laura Amador
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