Why Knowing Your Values Is Essential to a Happy Marriage
Why Knowing Your Values Is Essential to a Happy Marriage
My oldest daughter turned 9 over the weekend (I can’t even believe it!).
And honestly, nobody has caused me to question myself and my beliefs more than she has.
Her inquisitive nature and curiosity over her parents’ relationship have made me come back to the mirror time and time again.
To answer her questions honestly, I’ve had to filter all my beliefs through a fine mesh sieve and really get to the root of WHY I believe what I believe and show up the way I do within my marriage.
And I'll be brutally honest, this process has been no joke. It's convicted me into holding myself to a much higher standard than ever before.
Let me tell you what this fine mesh sieve is made of…
As a mother to two sons and two daughters, I've filtered everything I believe about marriage through these two questions:
Is this how I want my daughters to experience their marriages when they are grown?
Is this how I want my sons to experience their marriages when they are grown?
These might seem like the same question asked twice. They are NOT.
The first question has shown me the ways in which I have tried to mold myself into a “perfect wife” in order to create perfect conditions where I might feel more loved. (Something I would NEVER want for my daughters).
The second question showed me the ways I was shutting down one of my greatest strengths (my empathy) in the name of getting off of my husband's emotional paper. (I would hope my son’s marriages have loads of beautiful, healthy empathy AND trust).
And there have been so many other revelations. Let me tell you, that mirror has been SO CONFRONTING.
But wow, it has made things crystal clear for me.
The biggest lesson has been the importance of knowing my values.
If I am not crystal clear about my values, then tools start to feel like rules. I start to mistrust my own longings for more. And I start to feel like if things don’t happen the way I want them to, it’s somehow still my fault.
Plot twist: that is NOT how I want ANY of my children to ever experience their marriages.
And I wonder how many wives are walking around feeling this way.
Trying so hard to be loving, respectful, appreciative, and understanding. Learning all the tips and tricks, and doing all the work. And yet, still longing to feel deeply known and loved by their husbands.
Still wondering if they're asking for too much. If they should be more grateful and just be happy with how things are even though deep down she wants so much more. Wondering if there's something else they need to change about themselves before they can finally experience the connection they want.
Let me tell you what made ALL the difference for me: knowing MY VALUES and being radically honest with myself about my desires.
I had to ask myself:
What does it look like for me to be truly happy in my marriage?
How am I currently holding myself back from stepping into that version of myself?
And how can I start participating more fully in the creation of that marriage?
What are the standards I hold MYSELF to as a wife?
🌙 🦋 💋 For me? My standards are that I am a well-lived and well-loved woman. I have rich friendships, eat delicious and nourishing meals, read enthralling novels while nibbling on dark chocolate, and watch films on rainy weekends. I french kiss my husband and have sex after the kids are asleep, laughing while lego pieces press into my back and the scent of woodsmoke lingers in my hair. I gaze up at the full moon and sip spiced wine with my sisters and talk about our hopes and dreams for the coming year.
I love deeply and no longer hold myself back in the depths of my love, even when it feels scary.
And my marriage has become ten times richer and deeper for it.
What are your standards?
Because I don't believe you should have to choose between being fully yourself and having a deeply connected marriage. And knowing your values is an essential piece of building a truly happy and fulfilling marriage.
I don't believe you should have to silence your longings to keep the peace. Or spend your marriage trying to become the perfect wife in the hopes that you'll finally feel loved the way you want to be loved.
I believe there's room for BOTH of you.
For your desires AND his autonomy. For your individuality AND your connection. For you to know your husband deeply AND to be deeply known by him.
And this is exactly why I created Fully Known, my new 12-week group coaching experience for wives who want to develop the self-trust AND relationship skills to show up fully as themselves in their marriages and create the conditions for genuine, mutual connection.
We'll excavate your values, get clear on the standards you want to hold yourself to, and learn how to love generously without abandoning yourself along the way.
So that instead of constantly wondering whether you're doing marriage right, you can start trusting yourself, expressing what matters to you, and participating more fully in creating the marriage you actually want.
*Enrollment opens in January, but joining the waitlist means you'll get all the deets first and exclusive access to special bonuses, without any obligation whatsoever.
I would love to have you there. ❤️
Xo,
Laura