What to Do When He's Grumpy and Rude
Updated: Oct 26, 2022
I HATE confrontation. I used to do anything to avoid it, to the point where I would bend and conform regardless of how I felt. Then, I would simmer with resentment. I would feel undignified because I was no longer in alignment with my values or my desires. Today, I know how to honor myself and show up dignified even in situations that in the past would’ve made me uncomfortable.
Look for the Heart Message
When my husband used to get upset at me, I would immediately think to myself, “what a jerk!” or “he’s being so unfair and immature!”. I would feel misunderstood and disrespected. It was easy to start feeling like the victim in the situation. Now, if my husband or anyone else seems upset, I take a step back, do some self care, and when I feel calm and relaxed, I look for their heart message.
Not Biting the Bait
One time, my husband had leant me his credit card. I put it in my wallet and completely forgot to give it back. A week later, he asked me to give it back with a tone that implied (at least I told myself he was implying) that I had kept it on purpose and misused it for a frivolous shopping spree. I felt hurt because I had done no such thing! My brain started down the old path of “he’s such a jerk”. This was my bait, trying to pull me down the old path of resentment and victimhood. So I stopped myself, went on a walk, and called a friend. When I felt refreshed, I was able to look for his heart message.
Seeing Reality without the Cloud of Emotion
When this credit card incident happened, I had been on maternity leave and he had picked up a bunch of extra hours to support our family. Understandably, he was under pressure and probably felt some stress about our finances. When I saw his heart message as his worry about supporting us, I was able to stop taking his comment personally. In fact, he apologized to me that evening and said he knew I was responsible. He told me he was stressed because he thought he’d lost the card. Looking for his heart message helped me to not feel bad about his tone, forgive him, empathize with him, and feel gratitude for his hard work. Most importantly, it preserved the intimacy between us and my dignity.
Then next time your husband or boyfriend is angry, I invite you to first take a step back- far away from the bait and go get yourself some well needed self care. When you feel calm and refreshed, see if there is any hidden heart message beneath what your husband is saying or his tone. Is he exhausted, feeling unappreciated, stressed, anxious, or feeling disrespected? Of course, feeling any way does not excuse his being rude or disrespectful to you. However, being aware of his heart message can help you to not be pulled into needless emotional turmoil or a fight. Remaining your best self is a great way to preserve your dignity and create space for intimacy in your relationship. It is even possible that he will feel bad and apologize. It has been my experience that when I show up as my best and my most dignified self, my husband soon follows suit.
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