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Why I wrote this and how Dia de Muertos wisdom can strengthen your marriage
My favorite celebration of the year is, without a doubt, Día de Muertos. I love to gather with my children to create a beautiful altar, decorated with cempasúchil (golden marigolds), flickering candles, and old photographs that bring the memories of my beloved grandparents back to life.
It’s a time to celebrate the beauty of life and love, and to remember how incredibly lucky we are to have shared even a moment in time with our loved ones.
Recently, I had a conversation with my aunt that struck me deeply. She shared stories about our ancestors, some of whom I had long forgotten. Their stories awed me—their courage, strength of spirit, and their beautiful humility. As my aunt spoke, I felt a hunger for their guidance and wisdom, realizing how much I had yet to learn from them.
I remembered the quiet, steadfast ways of my grandparents, and how they approached life and marriage with a gratitude and humility that I often lack. I reflected on how much of my life I’ve spent being certain that I know better, being faithless, arrogant, and judgmental. But I’ve learned that this mindset not only hinders my growth, it also isolates me from the people I care about most.
Now, I am committed to rediscovering real and pure humility, to being a student again—not just of life, but of my marriage, my mentors, experiences, and of the abundant wisdom left by those who came before me.
And today, I want to gently invite you to join me in this journey, as a student of your own marriage, your mentors, your experiences, and your ancestors. As we explore how the traditions and wisdom of Día de Muertos can enrich and strengthen your marriage, let’s both approach this with the heart of a humble learner, open to the gifts that lie within the lessons and legacies of those that came before us.
But first- What is Día de Muertos?
Día de Muertos, or Day of the Dead, is a beautiful tradition that originated in Mexico and dates back thousands of years, long before the arrival of the Spanish. It has roots in ancient Aztec, Maya, and Toltec beliefs about life, death, and the journey of the soul.
Día de Muertos evolved with the arrival of the Spanish and the introduction of Catholicism, blending Indigenous beliefs about honoring the dead with Catholic practices, resulting in a unique tradition that often combines pre-Hispanic customs with Christian elements.
Unlike many cultures that view death with fear or sadness, Día de Muertos embraces it as a natural part of life, celebrating the cycle of life and death with joy, color, and deep love.
Traditionally, the celebration takes place on November 1st and 2nd, coinciding with All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day in the Catholic calendar. November 1st is often dedicated to honoring children who have passed away, while November 2nd is for remembering adults. We believe that during these days, the spirits of our loved ones return to visit us, drawn by the offerings, love, and memories shared in their honor.
Día de Muertos is celebrated with ofrendas (altars) that families build in their homes, cemeteries, or public spaces. These altars are decorated with marigolds, known as cempasúchil, whose bright orange petals guide the spirits back to the living world. Photos, candles, incense, and calaveras (sugar skulls) add to the vibrant display, along with favorite foods and drinks of the deceased—everything from tamales and pan de muerto (a sweet bread) to tequila or atole.
Families gather to clean and decorate graves, share stories, and enjoy meals together. It’s a time for laughter, songs, and reminiscing, where memories come alive and love is felt across time and space. Music fills the air, and the atmosphere is both joyful and reflective, as people feel the love and presence of their loved ones on this special day when the spirits return for a visit.
Celebrating Día de Muertos in my home
My celebration of Día de Muertos involves family, music, and delicious food. My children help me place photos of their great-grandparents and decorate the ofrenda (altar). They ask questions and I share stories about my grandparents and my cherished memories. I say prayers, light candles, and give thanks for their love, guidance, and presence.
In celebrating, I hope to teach my children that those we love are never truly gone, and that life, and the people we share it with, is a precious gift that should never be taken for granted.
An altar to love: Día de Muertos wisdom to strengthen your marriage
During Día de Muertos, we celebrate the lives of our ancestors with beautiful altars known as ofrendas. These altars are often built with three levels, each symbolizing a different realm of existence and guiding spirits back to visit their loved ones.
The wisdom embedded in this tradition can also guide us in nurturing our relationships with those still living. More specifically, it offers wisdom that can guide us in nurturing our marriage. Just as the altar has three levels, our marriages, too, can be enriched by acknowledging the spiritual, emotional, and practical layers that make them thrive.
An altar to love: honoring the 3 levels of your relationship
1. Spiritual Level: Honoring the Divine Connection
On the Altar:
The top level of the Día de Muertos altar is dedicated to the spiritual realm, or the divine forces. Here, you might find images of saints, crucifixes, or representations of deities or the elements. This level acknowledges a connection between the physical world and the spiritual realm, seeking blessings and guidance for both the deceased and the living.
In Your Marriage:
Like this spiritual level, the foundation of a strong marriage involves seeing your relationship as something more than a series of everyday interactions. It’s about recognizing the sacred bond you share, rooted in love, faith, and commitment.
We all have this one blessed, precious, and unique life to spend on this Earth, and you’ve chosen to share it with your spouse. Never again will you experience being on the earth and married to this person. Your marriage is so much more than a contract, or how you manage the logistics of life. It's a sacred union of two souls.
Your marriage is a space where you are meant to grow and be challenged, where you can evolve alongside someone wonderful, who you chose worthy of sharing this adventure with. It’s about finding the extraordinary in the ordinary—sharing a look that says everything after a long day, or pausing to remember the reasons you first chose them when life feels hectic.
Marriage gives you a chance to learn not just from the experiences you face together, but from each other’s unique perspectives, strengths, and imperfections. It’s a space where you come together to merge into something new and meaningful. It’s a chance to build a life that’s bigger than what you could create alone—a life that’s richer because of the challenges you face together and the small moments of joy you share.
This sacred connection is what makes marriage more than just 'doing life' together. It’s about embracing the opportunity to grow, to stretch beyond what you thought possible, and to keep choosing love, grace, and faith day after day. When you see your marriage through this lens, it becomes a place where you can find meaning and fulfillment beyond the everyday—a space where your love and vision create a sense of purpose that can carry you through anything.
Bringing this wisdom to life:
Set aside time each week to reflect on what you’re grateful for in your relationship and the ways you see your marriage as a blessing. This is especially powerful as a way to ward off negative scripts or resentments towards your spouse. Take this even further by expressing a few of the things on your list to your spouse. Truly connect with how lucky you are to have this unique opportunity to love and learn alongside this person. This simple act can help you reconnect with the deeper purpose of your relationship, reinforcing the sacred connection you share.
2. Emotional Level: Cultivating Intimacy and Connection
On the Altar:
The middle level of the altar represents a bridge between two worlds. It’s the space between the spiritual and the earthly—where the spirits of the deceased meet their loved ones. Here, families place photos of their departed loved ones, along with offerings that represent their favorite foods and cherished memories. This practice is a way of showing love and care, welcoming the spirits back with the comforts they cherished during their time on earth. It’s a space of connection, celebration, unity, and remembrance.
In Your Marriage:
The emotional level of your relationship is where vulnerability, understanding, and connection thrive. It’s the space that acts as a bridge between your inner world and that of your husband, where you open up to truly see and be seen. Like the middle level of the Día de Muertos altar, which serves as a meeting place for the living and the spirits, this emotional space in your marriage is where your hearts come together, creating a deeper bond that transcends space and time.
It’s in this space that you can share your joys, your fears, your dreams, and your regrets, creating moments that will become part of the story of your life together. Just as the offerings on the altar invite the spirits back home, your willingness to share and to listen invites your partner into a deeper connection with you.
Building this bridge in your marriage means creating a safe space where emotions are welcomed and honored. It’s about lovingly listening without judgment or criticism, and letting each other’s unique ways of expressing their love be like those cherished mementos on the altar. When you approach your marriage with this openness, you’ll find that even the smallest gestures—a heartfelt ‘I’m sorry,’ a shared memory, or a simple thank-you—can become the offerings that keep your emotional connection alive.
By seeing your care and vulnerability as this sacred bridge, you can transform even the hardest conversations into opportunities for closeness and growth. It’s a chance to not just hear your spouse, but to truly understand each other’s hearts, building a relationship that’s more than just two people living side by side. It becomes a place where your love and connection are constantly renewed, just like the memories of our loved ones on the altar.
Bringing this wisdom to life:
Make a habit of setting aside a few minutes each day for your vulnerability. You might see it as your “heart-to-heart” time. Use this time to share what’s on your heart, express appreciation, or even revisit a favorite memory. Do this without expectations by relinquishing control of how your spouse responds or whether they open up on your timeline. Remember that true vulnerability ought to be given freely, and never pressured out of someone.
Trust that when they are ready, your spouse will mirror your vulnerability as they begin to settle into the emotionally safe space you’re creating. This simple practice of pure vulnerability can deepen emotional intimacy, making your marriage a safe haven, and helping you feel more deeply connected.
3. Practical Level: Building a Foundation of Respect and Teamwork
On the Altar:
The bottom level of the Día de Muertos altar is where offerings are placed to represent the earthly realm. It can also represent Mictlán, the underworld in Aztec belief. Mictlan is the place where souls go after death. It's known for its darkness and cold, as well as the challenges that souls must face to reach it. The trials of Mictlan symbolized the soul's journey through the unknown to reach a state of peace.
The bottom level honors the material world, challenges, and the practicalities of life—things like food, candles, and marigolds that guide the spirits back to their families. This level grounds the altar, connecting the spiritual and emotional elements to the physical world.
In Your Marriage:
The practical side of a marriage is its grounding force, encompassing the daily responsibilities, routines, challenges, and logistics that make up life together. It’s the solid foundation that keeps you both steady through the ups and downs of life.
Just as in Mictlan, where souls navigate through trials to reach a state of rest and peace, marriage often requires facing challenges with courage and trust. The unknowns of married life can feel like never ending obstacles.
In the midst of challenges, managing finances, coordinating schedules, and creating a home environment, there’s a space for something deeper: learning to relinquish control, showing respect, and trusting your spouse.
True partnership means recognizing that you can't carry every burden alone. It’s about letting go of the need to manage every detail, and instead, trusting that your spouse is capable and committed. When you let go and choose to trust, you give them room to show up in their own way, and you create space for them to shine. This kind of trust and respect doesn’t just make the practical side of marriage easier; it also strengthens your bond, allowing both of you to feel valued and appreciated.
Respect means believing the best in your spouse—that they have good intentions, that they are doing their best, and that their way of handling things might be just as effective as yours, even if it looks different. It’s a way of showing that you trust them not just with the big decisions, but with the everyday moments that make up your life together. By respecting their strengths and allowing them the freedom to navigate life’s challenges their way, you build a marriage that feels like a true partnership—one where both of you are seen, trusted, and valued.
Bringing this wisdom to life:
Take a moment to reflect on an area of your life together where you often find yourself jumping in to control, help, or explain—whether it’s stepping in during parenting decisions, managing the family budget, or even correcting how the dishwasher gets loaded. Maybe you’re quick to offer advice when your spouse handles a situation differently, or you tend to double-check their work to make sure it’s done “right.”
This week, choose one of these areas and make a conscious effort to step back. Instead of offering help or stepping in, practice trusting your spouse’s approach and allowing them the space to handle things in their own way. Let go of the urge to micromanage, and focus on respecting their choices, even if they’re different from yours. Notice how this shift creates a more balanced dynamic and allows your spouse to feel more valued and trusted, while you feel more supported.
By intentionally choosing to relinquish control, you’re not just trusting them—you’re showing respect for their abilities and building a deeper sense of partnership. This small act of letting go can transform how you interact. Much like the soul’s journey through Mictlan, where each challenge brings purification and growth, the trials in marriage can deepen your connection and understanding of one another by showing trust and respect.
Dia de Muertos Wisdom: Remember That Life Is a Precious Gift
Above all, Día de Muertos reminds us that life is fleeting. In marriage, this means appreciating every moment you have together, knowing that time is not guaranteed. Ask yourself, “If today were my last day with my husband, how would I show up differently?”
Bring this Wisdom to Life:
Every morning this week, take a moment to imagine how you’d show up if this were your last day with your husband. Let this perspective guide your actions, words, and interactions throughout the day.
You Are Never Alone: Embracing the wisdom and guidance that surrounds you
We live in a time where loss of our village and isolation from community can make us feel like the only ones who are struggling. I know it’s easy to forget that you’re not meant to walk this alone. While life can feel uncertain and you might face challenges in your marriage that feel hopeless, I want to gently remind you that there is a wealth of wisdom and support all around you.
Bringing this wisdom to life:
There are voices—both past and present—that can offer you the guidance and perspective you need. Soak in the knowledge from those who have traveled this road before you, lean on the support of those who believe in you, and remember that wisdom often comes in unexpected forms. Allow yourself to be open to these sources of wisdom and experience, and know that they are here to help you grow, heal, and thrive. You are supported, and you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself.
Your Legacy for the Future Generations
As you reflect on the wisdom that has been passed down to you, I want to invite you to take a moment to think about the legacy you’ll leave behind for those who come after you. What do you hope your children, grandchildren, and all those who will follow will remember about you and learn from how you lived? What lessons, values, skills, wisdom, and ways of living do you want to model? Imagine what it would be like to leave them with the example of true love, commitment, joy, and the values that shaped your life.
How we live and what we model each day has a powerful influence on those who look up to us. Just as the experiences and examples we witnessed in our own youth shaped how we understand love—whether in healthy or painful ways—our actions today will shape the way the next generation learns to love, to trust, and to connect with others. This is more than just a responsibility; it’s a unique and special opportunity for generational healing.
By choosing to be intentional about the way you show up in your relationship—whether that means practicing patience, offering kindness, or being vulnerable in love—you can break cycles that no longer serve your family and create new ones that foster connection and strength. The way you choose to live and love today has the power to shift patterns that may have been carried for generations, offering a new vision of what’s possible for those who follow.
Bringing this wisdom to life:
Take a little time to define the qualities and strengths you want to pass on—those that reflect the best of who you are. By gently aligning your choices and the way you live with that vision, you can create a legacy that speaks of hope, connection, and enduring love. And when you do, you’ll be offering a gift that will continue to inspire and uplift, long after you’re gone—a gift that creates positive ripples of wisdom for the generations yet to come. In this way, your love becomes a bridge, connecting the past with a brighter future.
Wishing you blessings and love, my friend.
From my heart to yours,
Laura Amador
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